I told him...

I finally found my words..which were lost in the tears and the pain. I was too sad, too tired to tie up my thoughts, so I just let the truth passed me by..with ONE hope..the hope of, I will soon forget..
But I was wrong.. I was never healed..It got worse as I have to bear the impression, the disrespect, and the hurtful words by myself..alone..
The truth wears me off.. I hold grudges, and I become bitter and bitter everyday..

And for sooooo long,years long..I have ignored my thoughts coz I was too sad to search for the right words to express what I really felt and what I've really done..Everytime,it was impossible for me to even finish up my thoughts, coz the truth really hurt me..the unbearable pain feels so real everytime my thought lingers the "unspoken truth"..


But today, I'm glad that I told him..He knows now..

Like a narrator telling her story, my words came smoothly and sincerely from my heart..and when he listened, and understood..I felt soo light..I was nearly flying..I felt like my soul has found me back..I've been wanting him to know exactly how I felt..but I never got thru..but today..I know he understands and he appreciates..

That's all I want..to be lifted up from the very bottom, to be free from the "unspoken truth", to be out from the grudges..and to be told, that what I did, was a noble thing..and what I did, he will always be thankful..so that he knows..I'm not an evil person..

Not asking any rewards in return, I just hope that he will always remember "our dear secret"..

he told me..

he told me..he will still be there

he told me.. he will make me feel secure

he told me..i should be happier

he told me..i should be stronger

he told me.. he will be near

.................................................................

im at the other end.. would he keep his words this time?

I want to forget..

I’ve been betrayed by the people that I dearly loved and trusted. I hardly can describe how I feel..there is no right words to express the sadness, the pain, the anger that I have inside me.. I’ve been crying, laughing, frowning and smiling, all at once.. I cry for the lost and the love that I had for them, I laugh for what a clown I have been, I frown for the stupidity I own, and I smile in surprise for what had happened.

He made mistakes..he betrayed..he lied..I wish he could turn the clock back and undo all of that. He used to be my everything..All my life was around him..It seems forever that I have been with him..We used to have so much love and happiness..dreams, laughters, smiles, kisses and warmth hugs, we used to have comforting words for each other..That was all so special to me..I never thought all those special thing, he would ever share with others..but I was wrong..I was nothing special..What I thought as special was not as special..easily shared… How stupid I was to even think I was the chosen one..

She loves to flirt..she sees no boundaries..she betrays..She was a friend. She had given me the strengths to face my deepest sadness before. I will not forget. But I will never forget her betrayal too..She has stepped in my territory and claimed that she was only flirting and went a little overboard. “Don’t mess with your best friend’s man”, that’s the unspoken rule that everyone knows..yet, she chose to do just that.. How stupid I was to even think that she was an angel sent from above?

I am the victim of love and trust.. I loved them so much, that I would do anything, anything in this world to make them smile back to me..I loved them so much, that they always come 1st and I, 2nd..

I trusted them so much, until I forgot to ask questions.. I trusted them so much, until I was blind, failed to see their love episodes, that they both acted so well in front of my naked eyes..

and for the years of lies, the “sessions” behind my back, the pretending, the dramas..

I blame myself for surrendering my purest love, attention and care for you..who obviously do not honor that.. I had never loved anyone more, than my love to u ..I had never been so sincere with anyone, like I've been with you..I have never sacrificed to anyone but you..

May God helps me with this, may God helps me thru..

the truth reveals..

17th nov 2009

The day that I learnt about betrayal. I’ve heard stories about it, but never imagine that I will personally go thru it myself. Today, I found out the true colors of the people around me..who have been hiding and camouflage well in their surroundings.

My ex best buddy has been having relationship with LOML..how outrageous it is, don’t u think?? She knows all about me, how truly I felt about LOML, but still behind my back, she silently stabbing me. I’m not sure what she really wants..what do u want SS?

And now I know..who is the “angel” she wrote about in her blog..how could u, to even published it in your blog, knowing that I will definitely read it..you were talking about my man, mine..suddenly, he becomes your angel..and mr k, im sure u were damn happy to read the post..an open statement from your Julia, it must has really boost up your ego..SS, dont you feel ashamed abt urself? My goodness, you really could give me an heart attack of your true colors..

You really surprised me gal..ur look definitely deceiving enough..and for those men, I mean mr k..she’s definitely your type.. Charming Lawyer, u r definitely blessed..

shut

have u ever feel like crying without any solid reasons??

dats wat im feeling now..

is crying good or bad?

good > for me tonite

to my best buddy.. im sooooooooo gonna miss u..

090909

HEY!!!! I LOVE THAT NUMBER...AND I LOOOOOOVE THAT DATE!!!

Hoping to be wiser..happier..and may the wish I made yesterday comes true.. :)

Hope to be more elegant (well, I can't be mature and elegant at 23 yrs old rite, but now being 30..I can finally be one!yahooooooooo), to be beautiful enough to turn the men's heads..(wakakaka..gelak evil), to be successful in what ever I do..to be proud of my accomplishment..to have a respectable number in my savings account.. to be a better daughter..to be a better sister...to be a better fren..

To those who are very dear to my heart (you know who you are!), thank you for being there for me for all the happy and hard times in my life..SS,thanks for the wishes..I got ur sms sharp at 12 midnite, perfect score to u!!

To QCM..tq for all the surprises! you really got me this time..thanks for being there and thanks for the beautiful prezzie..it got me at hello! love them all..I really had a super great time with you!!

To Alfie..i know...i love you sayang..

Enjoy the day people!!! It is supposed to be a great day... :)

It is September again..

I have good and bad days..and today, is not a good day for me..so many things happened that reminds me of Alfie..I guess today he wants me to remember him..yes my baby..September will never be the same anymore..It was the month that I looked forward to for 29 years..but not anymore..I counted the days to September, and now, when it appears..the pain and the sadness filled my heart..no one would understand..no one cares..

Alfie, today I cried for you..asking you to tell me to become stronger..today, I took your picture out..and thank you..thank you for being there..

No one would understand, and no one could ever feel how I feel about you and what had happened..it is just me and you..and I am telling you..You will always be with me..every single day..the more I tried to heal..the more I felt the pain..so my baby..I will stand the pain..coz I choose to be with you..

Every single day baby..Mommy never forgets to say your name out loud, even no one is there to hear..but I know you hear me saying your name..I love you sayang..so much..

Sampai bila dia nak mainkan hati ku ini? Sampai bila dia hanya hadir dalam hidupku bila dia rasa aku diperlukan? Sampai bila dia hendak persendakan perasaan ku? Sampai bila dia nak remukkan hati ku? Sampai bila agaknya?

Aku menyesal? Perlu kah aku menjawabnya??

Do you still love me? Itu yang dia tanya.. Ape makna cinta pada dia? Di mana letaknya cinta ku? Semesti nye di aras yang sangat rendah kan..supaya boleh dia pijak-pijak..

Layakkah aku dilayan begini? Haruskah aku menghadapi ini lagi?

Bangga kah aku dengan hidup ku ini? Tidak sama sekali..kosong.

mayday mayday..

For these few nites, have been dreaming about oceans, waves..and big waves! last 2 nites was d scariest..I dreamt about tsunami..I was with few of my frens..and we were swimming in d ocean..beautiful scenery..we were all laughing and shouting and teasing each other..

Then I decided to walk to the beach..one of my frens followed me..then we found a wall, a thick wall..then we were wondering,why la the wall is here?? Straigtaway, I wanted to tell my other frens which were still swimming..then I saw a very big wave ahead of me..

Automatically, I find cover..standing behind the thick wall..and whoooossshhh, the wave slammed the wall (luckily enough, the wall was really strong)and I could see my other frens were swept away by the raging water...and I was in teribble shock..

The wall has saved me and 1 of my fren..

My alarm clock woke me up at 5.05 am.. since then, I wonder..what is God trying to tell me?

he he he

As some people say.."Love urself truly, then others will love u unconditionally.."

I believe in that..and I'm learning to love everything about myself..my flaws,my imperfection, my beauty, my body, my potential, my self everyday..

And if anyone sees that I'm beautiful, and can deal with my imperfection..I shouldn't say NO rite..I should just accept it and smile over it..

Mr cayanne is always consistent..and RF is learning..Im trying to open up here..hihih..

Well, terawih together will definitely be fun!!

My new adventure..

hiii....

So excited to share abt my new adventure..new thrill in my life..jeng jeng jeng...

Who could ever imagine that I would love to do this?
Who would ever think that the queen now is excited and willing to learn abt this?
What in the world has happened to her?
What breaks the spell?

Hahahaha...

Im so thrilled to share that..I CAN COOK!!!! (atleast now I can eat what I cook.. siriusly!)

Started with siang ikan..used to be the most torturing time for me the last time..the smell, the blood, the slimy2 thing..the sisik..eeeuuuuu....and I used to take hoursss...I really mean it..HOURS..until the ikan jadi lembik n all the tulang came out..(no kidding k)

But surprisingly, last few days, I managed to cut the "siang" time tremendeously..and I no longer rasa nak muntah when I smelled the fish...yeayyyyyyy!! I cooked singgang ikan, sotong masak asam (yeaa..1 question..are we supposed to take out the purple color skin off the sotong?), ikan goreng (this one, still tak pass..no doubt the taste was superb, but the process of frying them, really make me thinking whether I should fry ikan again or not..the minyak meletup like gunung berapi marah u know...scary..) and sambal belacan..(a bit masam tho) :)

and yesterday evening, I feel like eating some sweet dessert..bubur cha cha..I went to the shop, and got all d ingredients ready..again to my surprise..the process is sooooooo easy..and the taste????hehehehhe...I love it..every bit of the taste..I would say, I made an excellent bubur cha cha.. :) *smile proudly*

I ate the bubur cha2 for my evening tea yesterday, my bfst this morning, and went I came bck from a super hectic day from office today, the 1st thing I did, was to reheat my bubur..and trus have them straight while berasap asap tu..nice...and now, still left a little portion,the last one..for my supper.. :) happy that it tastes sooooo good, but afraid that I mite not be able to get the same taste again on my 2nd attempt... :(

Am planning to cook some other recipes for my bukak puasa..and mb sahur.. cant wait to cook and let's enjoy ramadhan.. :)

A tribute to an amazing story teller..

Here I grieved a lost of a great film maker, Y.A. I have never expressed my fondness about her excellent films to anyone, but after knowing that she has left us forever, and the thought that I will not be able to watch her superb work anymore, I think she deserves my two thumbs up for all her work and the joy that she has given me through her stories..

She speaks through her films- honest, blunt and non superficial. That’s what I respected most about her, she was not afraid to speak up the truth, she revealed the reality in the most translucent way.. I adore her truthfulness ..Started with Rabun, she catches my attention, the scene where an old couple still teasing each other and taking their shower together..that really stayed in my heart. Silently, she drew a dream in my mind..Yes, she has planted a dream in me..I want to be like that old couple..loving, conservatively caring, crazily romantic in their own ways, and I do dream to take my shower with my hubby everytime we have the chance.. :)

Then Sepet came along, a love story about a Malay girl with a Chinese boy. I cried over this movie everytime I watched it. She managed to capture my heart again. This time I really felt for the love between Orkid and the boy. I love her way of making the scenes and the love looks so sincere and true. I cried because I know that, that kind of love is the kind of love that I always want to have..but like Orkid, we both lost our greatest love and we have to endure the pain alone all by ourselves..

Gubra..I enjoyed her way of telling the world, that man could be jerks sometimes.. and there’s always hope of finding true love again. She taught me not to be afraid to look back to the worst nightmares, to be brave to face the past and deal with it, to walk the memory lane slowly, then say goodbye to each memories...So then, I will not be afraid to walk tall, and to look for love and be loved again. Just like how Orkid did.

She has indirectly given me the guidance and lights that I needed at that time. She has painted my dreams back. And because of that, she earned my respect, my salute and my prayers..Al-fatihah to her soul, may Allah bless you, my dear story teller..

(And I honestly think that she has lived her life to the fullest, she has a loving husband, a superb career that she enjoy doing, she has the opportunity to share her views, passions and love with the world and let the world see everything through her eyes..I dearly think that, she has a wonderful life..and I am grateful that she was given all that blessing, coz she really deserved it..)

just a piece of my thoughts..

far and away.alone and confuse.hurt and sick.tired and bored.

Words can create such impacts to me..words are so powerful, that they could create or change my emotion and mood for that day. I do agree with the saying, 'Silence Is Golden'. I do think that I should talk less sometimes..and I do think that people should talk less about me too..Some people are so mean and just say cruel things to satisfy their own emotion's needs, without thinking about how one should feel, and how one should handle it. I want to stay away from this kind of people..too much negativity..too much pain to endure..I give up.

last year..

Last year..at this same date..I first met Alfie.. :) This time last year, he was selected by Him to be inside me..and even being in unknown place, he was all good, well-mannared baby..No morning sickness, just some back-ache and tiredness..

And I was having difficulty to sleep..that's all..the rest was just perfect..healthy baby, healthy mommy..and due to my restless looong nites, I spent more time talking to Alfie while rubbing my hard belly..so many things we talked about..He listened and I shared every single feelings I had with him..We had great sharing sessions, did'nt we? :)

And now, I'm teribbly missing him..I miss his presence..He left me alone..and I am soooo alone now..I miss having him with me..we were 'we' last time..and now I'm back to 'I' again.. :(

Alfie, tonight I'm gonna sleep with you sayang..I know you'll be there.. :)

Missing you and loving you..always..

Love is when..

Love is when you look at the person’s eyes but you can see her heart..

Love is when you touch her fingers but you feel like touching her soul..

Love is when with a simple ‘hello’ it could brighten up your day..

Love is when with just a smile, it creates a whole new joy in your heart..

Love is when being apart from each other is like the most torturous punishment ..

Love is when without her voice, your life feels empty..

Love is when with her presence, your life seems so perfect..

Love is when without her around, you feel like something is missing..

Love is when you feel excited even to share about the smallest topic..

Love is when, her words seem so right to your ears..

Love is when, her laughter can lifted up all your sadness..

Love is when with just a hug, she takes away all your headache..

Love is when you can’t live without her..

Do you love someone?

Do you love someone if you keep hurting her?

Do you love someone if you keep ignoring her?

Do you love someone if you could just dumped her as you please?

Do you love someone if you would only find her when you feel like having a companion?

Do you love someone if for you she is selfish?

Do you love someone if you could say nasty things to her?

Do you love someone if easily you could lose temper and shout at her?

Do you love someone if you do not even care to know whether she’s fine or not?

Do you love someone if you do not even remember her important appointment?

Do you love someone if you could just leave her while she’s in pain?

Do you love someone if you choose to pay no attention to her feelings?

Do you really love that someone???

Is that really love?

My angel came to visit me :)

Got my durian...and had the best dream of my life last nite!

I hugged Alfie last nite..and we were both so happy..the feeling is undescribable..me and him were in a soooo damn happy mood...he was hugging me very tight and I hugged him back, and I was all laughing and smiling..so did Alfie..

I couldnt see his face clearly, but he is like a 3-4 months old baby..so adorable, clinging on my belly..hihi..I fed him food..and I hugged him, I kissed him trillion times..I keep on telling him that I love him..and kissed him again and again..and he keep on hugging me very tightly..and I told him repeatedly.." I want to show you to ur daddy..I want to show you to your daddy..."

But no..no daddy in the dream..It was all me and Alfie..

When I woke up..I felt sooo relieved as if all my rindu yg terbuku dihati selama ni..has been lifted and I felt satisfied as if I had really hugged my baby...

Yes..I think I really did! I hugged him..I hugged my baby..

Tq Alfie for coming..tq for hugging mommy..tq for all the laughs, the chuckles, the kiss, the touch that I looong been wanting to feel..tq Alfie sayang..mommy misses you like always angel.. :)

DURIAN

emmm..teringin nye makan durian.. : (

Mommy loves you..

wow..this lady has done a perfect job, writing down my exact feeling, that I have been feeling for nearly a year now.. yesss, exactly..when I read this, it is like reading my own thoughts..

I guess, all mothers who has the experience of losing her babies, must be feeling the same..the guilt and the sadness.. Pls read this, mb you could understand more how exactly I feel losing alfie..

"To my baby- A Prayer from mommy…

Please feed my baby when he is hungry, God… Mommy can't do it right now.
And when he is sleepy, God, please hold him and sing him a song… mommy can't do it right now.When it is bath time, please wash his face, God, and kiss him when it's clean.
Make sure to put lotion on him and comb his soft hair because mommy can't do it right now.
When you hold him in Your arms, God, kiss him on his little nose, for mommy can't do it right now. When he smiles, smile back. When he laughs, laugh with him. When he hurts, please help him because mommy cant do it right now.

I am so sorry for what mommy has done. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you from harm and hurt. I took you from the safest place you could be. I took your life, but not your soul.

You were torn apart inside me and flushed down the drain. Your arms and legs torn and mangled… your little arms and legs that mommy should have kissed and put lotion on.
Your feet that mommy should have put little socks on. Your small hands that mommy would wipe off after lunch, and would pull my hair. Your little heart that should beat strong, day and night while you explored your new world, until you would grow old and God would take you up to His house.

I would give anything. I wish I could stop breathing for eternity, to give you your first breath. Mommy wanted to die with you so I could go to heaven and hold you. But mommy can't do it right now.

Alfie,

I love you right now
I miss you right now
I want to hold you right now
I'm empty right now
I'm sad and I'm crying right now
Please forgive me, I hate myself.
I am sorry I didn't realize how much I love you until it was too late.

love FOREVER, Mommy


Alfie..I love you so much..Pls forgive me..Im so scared to face every 19th of the month..Coz the memories of having you and letting you go, are still so fresh in my mind..

And now when I started to ganti my puasa, everything become sooo crystal clear in my mind, I was having you last puasa month..and you was a super kind, nice and strong baby, u never gave me any trouble, no morning sickness, no dizziness..

and every night, even after a looooong lonely cries from mommy, you always stayed calm inside me..and every night, u always listened to mommy's voice, telling you how much I love you and wishing you had a great day today in mommy's belly..remember how I always asked you, what game did u play today? remember how I always convinced you that mommy was not crying because of your presence? remember how mommy always prays that you always happy with mommy?
Remember when mommy put her bed sheet under her shirt, and pretended that was all her big round tummy with you all grown up, fully developed inside her??
Remember that sayang??? Oh God..there is no word to describe, just how exactly what I felt, how the lost has taken away all my happiness.. God, I seek for your help..

I tried to hold strong, to stay composed, to act happy... Just give me a taste of life back..

yeayyy

yeayyyy...just in case u dont know..that is alfie's father..look at the picture...

Smiley Face :)

Today is another great day.. :) :) :)

-First, I managed to get up in the morning feeling all fresh and new.
-Second, I had my bertanggas session which really gives me super wonderful feelings..( oh, u know how that thing really can make u feel different..SS, we surely goin there once u r back)
-Third, I learnt that we can't change people, but we can choose to ignore them..
-Fourth, I received a great sms from a friend that really touches my heart and made me realized that I am so blessed in life.
-Fifth, I am thrilled to know that someone is missing me :)
-Sixth, I read an article that has given me the answer to my loooong unaswered question :


One day, a professor asked his students 'Why do we SHOUT instead of speak when we are ANGRY?'
All the students thought for a while. One answered 'Because we lost our cool. That's why we SHOUT.'
Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you, why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'
Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.

Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.' 'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...'

'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?'

'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'
'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.

'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.

********************************************

Now I know why sometimes I shout at the ppl I love.. and now I know why my loved ones shouted at me before..

See, this is a proof of how emotions play a major part in our lives... We can't ignore emotions..we just have to learn to understand them better.

5 and counting.. :)

wat a day :)

5 people told me that I look slim today.. hahah..must be the baju right..

But definitely they have made my day more colorful..

Thank you people.. muah muaaahh..

Detox

When nights become too quiet, I cant help it to feel lonely.

Loneliness is the most fearful disease (to me atleast, or to those single ladies out there, who's trying hard to stay strong), which could change one's perception, thinking, moods, and life. So I have been trying to fight this disease for years..and I could say that, I did well..

Until lately, even after the joyous nites of head banging and stuffed gossips, I still came back feeling empty, and the silence, and the darkness of the nights..they are just sooo cruel to me..

Every night, like a little ritual that I perform at my small little balcony.. I would just sit there, looking at the sky, counting the stars, sniffing the air that once I found so breathtaking, and with mute surrounding..my mind wanders around, thinking of how did I get here today, what my past has brought me into, and what my future holds for me..

With my detox-ing ritual every night, I think I have found a key to my emptiness. That key, I will use to open a new side of my life...and may god will always be with me..to brighten up my days whenever it gets blurry.. Insyallah.. :)

Change of Name

LOML is now known as QCM

I cannot sleep...

I tried..I closed my sleepy eyes for an hour, switched off the light, total darkness..I wear a cotton clean nighty, I smell good, brushed my teeth, washed my face and feet. Recited my doa and positioned myself like my normal sleeping position. Switched on my aircond 1 hour before entering the room, my comforter is thick,pluffy pillows, clean and smells fresh.. But still I couldnt sleep...

T.H.E.M!

Terima Kasih Ustaz

Petang tadi tergesa- gesa balik semula ke office, sebab rase tak sempat nak solat asar kat umah..ye lah, tengok- tengok jam, dah pukul 6.55 petang..

Terus ke surau, rupa rupanya kelas agama ustaz petang ni..dah lama tak jenguk, dah lama tak dengar masjlis ilmu sebegini..terus aku ambik wuduk dan teruskan solat asar, walau jam dah tunjuk pukul 7.10 mlm..ustaz teruskan kelas tajwidnya..selepas solat..aku terus sahaja terhibur dengar keletah nye berdakwah sambil buat kelakar..memang ustaz tu bagus, lembut, lancar dan senang bicaranya..

Teringat waktu dulu, setiap minggu aku ikuti kelas tajwid, baca jugaklah 2 atau 3 baris ayat Al-Quran tu, dan dibetulkan jugak tajwid ku yg tunggang langgang tu.. hari ni, aku masih seperti dulu dulu..tak lancar lancar lagi bacaan Al-quran ku..padahal..itu yang wajib..bukan English, bukan bahasa lain..Nape lah kita ambik mudah semua ni kan??

Berbalik pada ustaz, dia mula bercerita pasal pertuturan kita sesame manusia.Katanye, dalam pertuturan harian kita, banyak kita gunakan bahasa- bahasa negatif..Terus terasa kena pada batang hidung sendiri..haah, btul tu..makin kerap pulak aku gunakan bahasa- bahasa yg tak sedap didengar tu..tak bagus kan..

Ustaz bicara lagi,katanya malaikat di sebelah kanan dan kiri kita, tidak tau bahasa perli, bahasa sinis, bahasa mengajuk atau bahasa kias..bile kita menyebut perkataan negatif walau untuk perli kawan kita atau secara sinis, tetap padanya satu kesalahan..jadi terpalit juga dosa, tanpa kita sedari..

Katanya lagi..kita patut ubah yg negatif pada positif..contohnya..dari kata bodoh, katakan saja..bijak sungguh si polan ni.. gantikan perkataan bahalul, nakal, bodoh, dah setaraf dengannya dgn perkataan yg positif dan sedap didengar..

Terus hati ku berkata..ya, umur dah 30 tahun, tapi tak reti lagi nak kawal bahasa terutama ketika marah..masih lagi sebut perkataan yg tak elok..pada orang orang yg rapat dan aku sayangi pulak tu..

Jadi, hari ni, walau dalam tempoh 10 minit aku di majlis ilmu, aku dapat belajar sesuatu dan seperti Allah berikan aku hidayah, terus aku bertekad, aku tidak mahu menggunakan bahasa2 kasar ini lagi,cukup cukuplah aku menyakiti hati kenalan, saudara dan orang-orang yang aku sayangi ni..dan untuk sekian lama, tadi aku dapat bersolat magrib berjemaah..

Tenang dan gembira sungguh aku hari ni.. :)

LOML-de definition

I have never written about what happened between me and LOML. It strikes me to write about the two of us after I repeatedly said that I don’t expect a perfect guy nor a perfect marriage..It is all about effort.

Same goes in all my relationships..I have no intention to walk thru my memory lane about other Exs that I have, but I have one in particular which I would like to share. LOML has been in my life long enough to fill in all the holes that once were in my heart, to give me the answers to my questions about life, to give me a taste of being loved, and to give me a touch of motherhood.

LOML- it is an abbreviation of Love Of My Life. Been alive for 30 years, and he is my LOML.. He is still even until today..till I find someone that could take that trophy from him of coz.. :)

It is not good now between me n LOML. Even there was no word like breaking up or what so ever..but I do have the feelings that it will not work out this time (we have been trying to get rid of each other for so many times, but we keep on getting back together..like a magnet and a needle)

(Just a side track – that is why he earned that name-LOML- coz despite what happened between us.. who ever came intruding along the way, whatever obstacle, we still find that the love is still there..The love just don’t leave us..)

But all that heartbreaking episodes do change us bit by bit..Sometimes we became sour to each other, and self healing is a regular practice med for myself..Warmth hugs, eyes to eyes, tears to tears wiping dramas have ended abruptly..whenever we had an argument, sometimes after few solid days, then only we spent time to talk about the issue..And all of us know, that is not a way to handle anger or disappointments.. well, LOML always have other priority which is more important than solving, confronting or pujukking me..

Enough of that, my point is.. We are drifting apart further day by day..

It started for quiet sometimes already, since QC repeatedly comes and goes as she pleases..It became even more tense when Alfie came into the picture. Everything changed..everything changed from bright to dark, from happy to sad, from joy to sorrow..We keep on hurting each other, be it with words or with actions. It is very sad for me to see the most beautiful thing I ever had in my life change to a less beautiful knot..

It is so frustrating to see the perfect guy I loved has changed to someone who is no longer sensitive over my feelings, no longer care to know, and no longer bother to cherish the relationship.

Why did I manage to coop with all these for 6 years? And why can’t I see the same man I used to see?

Because, the man I knew last time, was never tired to show effort, never knew the word stop, never stopped to make me smile, and couldn’t bear to see a single drop of my tears. But that man has changed to a man which I barely know..This new person is no longer my sweet, caring man I used to have. This new person seems to forget all the memories, be it sweet, touching, or bitter memories..have forgotten the sacrifices and all the ‘gifts’ I poured him..

This new man, has not been putting efforts..to him, my expectations were too high to be reached. Am I emotionally high maintenance (quoted from SS)?

NO..I have been lowering my expectation after knowing him..fully understood that he has certain constraints..I don’t even have any expectations sometimes..But of coz, on certain dates, special dates..One day from 365 of his precious days..I have the right to be demanding, because I need to see the effort that I have loooooooong waited. That EFFORT is all I look for in a relationship..never asked for more.

But I can see that the word ‘effort’ seems to disappear from his life’s vocab. That is one thing that keep our relationship work.. That is the reason why I don’t see me and him together again, coz he doesn’t put the same cut of effort anymore..

Baby..it is never easy for me to hold to what we had, never easy for me to climb up again from every fall, never been easy for me to pick up the pieces of my heart every time you smashed it, never been easy for me to heal from the wound that you keep on pressing..never been easy..never once been easy. .

You are flying away...away from me..

The Realist Vs The Dreamer

SS is right..I’m a realist, and not a dreamer..Not that I don’t want to dream, but to dream over something is to put some level of hope and expectations. I do dream..I have my dreams to own a bigger house, I dream to drive a Beamer one day, I dream to be a super mom..a hot mama, a stylo wife, a superb woman, a successful business lady..yes, I do dream..I do fantasize..

But not like SS, who is sure and determine to have her knight in shining armour, I am not as brave as her..not as strong as her, to have even a slightest expectation or hope to finding perfect love, or, marriage.

Maybe due to my constant disappointment in life has made who I am today. Started when I was a lot younger, being the youngest in a group of very competitive siblings is never easy. I would be the last to arrive in any races, would be the last to get the answer to a simple math quiz, would be the last to know how to read.. Those definitely not by choices, but nothing I could do differently at that moment..Of coz I dreamt to win every time..I was far too young to compete in a race, far too small to understand Math or English..

Since then I learnt that I should not dream of the impossible. Because dreams would hurt you..dreams have hurt me so badly..And I don’t dare to dream of things which is beyond my control..Love and marriage are two example..Until now, I don’t dare to dream of how would my perfect guy be, and what theme should I have for my wedding..and how a perfect marriage feels like..I don’t dare to dream..

Being me, I know myself well..I will put effort to make everything be near perfect, but if it doesn’t work..It’s ok, coz I know I have put my effort into it. I never asked for a perfect guy, maybe that is why I felt in love with a man with a full baggage with him..Some asked, even he once asked..Why did I accept him? Yes, I do know that he is not perfect..and I accepted..because I never dream to have a perfect guy with me, just him putting a nice gesture, a simple effort from him, is already perfect for me..Never asked him anything more than his effort..For me, the rest is so subjective to weight.. (example, your rich bf could give you a solid solitaire, but your anak org biasa bf could only give you cincin belah rotan, is that make the rich bf better?) It’s how much effort they put to get that ring that matters. It is all about effort.. And just by putting effort, that will make me happy and that is already perfect for me.

I don’t expect more, be it, in love, in live, or in marriage, because the perfectness of those couldn’t be measured. And that is why I don’t dream of a perfect love or marriage. But of course, both parties should be putting the same amount of effort to make it work..and as long as I know that my other half is putting the same cut in the plate..I am totally ok with it. :)

SS, I am so envy that you could dream of all that super nice, and super perfect episodes especially that knight in shining armour part.. I really do..Since I don’t dare to dream, allow me to just pick up the excitement from your dream yah.. Those dreams are for strong people like you..not some coward like me...you go gal! just dont forget to share with me..I'll be waiting for more..hehe

...

here comes june.. 30th has passed us..It will always be a date to be remembered..and supposedly to be shared. But I guess, this date is no longer significant as it just passed by unnoticed..
For some, it is easy to forget..

children..

Children..Kids..Babies..Nephews..Nieces..

It's a miracle how they can make you feel..so much love that you want to share with them..they always can make you smile..they are hilarious in their own ways....I just love being with them..they can swipe away your sadness and replace it with such a beautiful feeling -contentment..

Yesterday, I found out that my 4 yrs old niece is now able to read..as fluently as her 7 yr old brother.. And being the most sporting, loving aunty but yet a 'guru besar' when it comes to academic, I tested both of them.. And to my pleasant surprise, they read to me a whole story book fluently in British accent..I was so happy that my eyes were full with tears, as I saw two growing children in front of me..I saw them at birth..I taught them abc, I remember how they jumbled all the alphabets and nearly made me giving up on them..and now they are all grown up..and they are brilliant!!!! :)

Honestly, I am so proud of them.. And today..I have bought them 6 more new story books.. I hope they will love the books..and I will still be looking for good books for them..I am so excited seeing them growing up..to see what new things they can do, new abilities they can master, new skills that they uphold..

My dearest beautiful darlings..You all have made me as one proud aunty!!! really.. I love you all sooooooooo much..and I want to see more... :p

Love... forever..

self exposed..hehe

I have been wanting to do this..hehe..but there's some reasons dat stopped me for doing so..
BUT i can definitely do this in my own blog..yahooooo..

The RULES:Bold the statements that are true to you. Italic the statements that you WISH are true. Leave the Fibs alone. The LIST to Bold/Italic/Just-let-it-be:

• I miss somebody right now.
• I don't watch TV these days.
• I own lots of magazines.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I've tried marijuana.
• I have been in a threesome.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
• I curse sometimes.
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. ( so much..it's a normal life process rite??) -ayat nak sedapkan hati.. :)
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I'm totally smart. (I'm smarter than some ppl..I wish to be totally smart in everything tho..)
• I've broken someone's bones.
• I'm paranoid sometimes.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (still - NO WAY !!)
• I need money right now. ( Who does'nt?)
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
• I like the way I look.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I have a hidden talent. (yess, not only dat, I always dream to have super power :D)
• I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am currently single.
• I have pecked someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
• I love to shop. (It's the best ever invented activity..hehe)
• I enjoy window shopping ( It's a superb therapy!)
• I would rather shop then eat. ( hehehe)
• I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. ( I hate them)
• I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have a cell phone.
• I believe in God.
• I watch MTV on a daily basis.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
• I've rejected someone before.
• I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future. (Of coz,kalo tak sape nak pakai nama2 mommy dah pick up tu... :) )
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I've called the cops on a friend before.
• I'm not allergic to anything.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
• I am shy around the opposite sex.
• I have tried alcohol before.
• I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the "South Park" movie.
• I would die for my best friends.
• I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. ( Domino's better..)
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. (hahaha..never)
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (never been to one)
• I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. (nope, but surely knows someone who does)
• I have dated a close friends's ex.
• I am happy at this moment!! ( could be happier rite..)
• I'm obsessed with guys (on TV).
• I study for tests most of the time. (LOMA LOMA)
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. ( I dont wear one,zaman sekolah pon zapp zapp je)
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now
• I have more than just my ears pierced. (Emmm..I wish to pierce other parts of mybody too)
• I walk barefoot wherever i can.
• I have jumped off a bridge.
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
• I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
• I hate office jobs.
• I love sci-fi movies. (X men, transformers sume tu kan..woverine pon tak tgk lg :(
• I think water rules.
• I went college out of state.
• I like sausage.
• I love kisses.
• I fall for the worst people.
• I adore bright colours.
• I can't live without black eyeliner.
• I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can't whistle.
• I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither. ( I surely can.. :) )
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I've ever written in.
• I can't stick to a diet.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
• Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
• I have jazz in my blood.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo. ( wish to have them at several parts of my body..)
• I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie. (yeahhhhh..teh tarik is a must)
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I'm an artist.
• I only clean my room when necessary.
• I like a person of the same sex.
• I love being happy.
• I am an adrenaline junkie.

(2)" If I can ....(fill in the blank with something impossible)....I will NOT .....(fill in the blank)....because ....(fill in the blank)....."

If I can (turn back the time), I will NOT (choose to loose Alfie) because (no one should take him away from me,he's mine...I should have protected him..)


(3)This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS … type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you hear these 50 words. Don’t think and don’t go back and change. Doesn’t matter how random just type it!
1. Beer: clubs
2. Food: sedap
3. Relationships: complicated
4. Crush: Abg harish
5. Power Rangers: stupid
6. Life: tough
7. The President: obama
8. Yummy: the biscuit
9. Car: Bmw 5 series
10. Movie: Woverine..
11. Halloween: costumes
12. Sex: great
13. Religion: Islam
14. Hate: liars
15. Fear: height
16. Marriage: beautiful
17. Blondes: dumb
18. Slippers: beach
19. Shoes: stuart weitzman
20. Asians: Japan
21. Pass time: lepak
22. One night stand : never
23. My cell Phone: Nokia
24. Smoke: seldom
25. Fantasy: guys
26. College: taz
27. High school Life: fun
28. Pajamas: panas
29. Stars: virgo
30. Center: point
31. Alcohol: idiots
32. The word love: calming
33. Friends: great!!!
34. Money: want more..
35. Heartache: not me
36. Time: fast
37. Divorce: dont want
38. Dogs: cutee
39. Undies: haaa?
40. Parents: miss them!
41. Babies: alfie,alfie,alfie
42. Ex: pain
43. Song: nice
44. Color: bright
45. Weddings: stressful
46. Pizza: dominos
47. Hangout: dome
48. Rest: massage
49. Goal: to be happy
50. Inspiration: $$$

(5)1. If you can be an animal, what will u be? Why?who are you? Horse, can run fast
2. If you robbed a bank, what do you want to do with the money? Spend it to buy handbangs,shoes,get myself a huge beautiful mansion in UK,buy an island,travelling..
3. If you can teleport yourself anywhere in the world, where do you want to be? why?at the moment..US, want to meet n hug someone..
4. If you know that you are dying, what is the last meal that you want? why? sedihnye..mak nye sotong masak asam, sambal tumis petai..
5. If you can only kill one person in this world, who is the person? why? no one..
6. If you can choose either to have more than 24 hours a day or can live more than 100 years, what is your choice? why? both also I will not choose..it's too long already..
7. If you can date celebrities, who is that person? why? brat pitt..wanna see whether he is truly a heartrobe or not..
8. If you can only have 1 thing in this world, what should that be? Why? ALFIE.

happy birthday to my dearest fren!

You are my strength..whenever I feel weak, you'll come and save me..whenever I drown, you pick me up with your comforting words..even geographically you are too far to be reached..but your heart always touches mine..It keeps me warm whenever I shiver, you help me find the pieces of my heart and join them back together.. You make me believe that there is always a better life for me in the future..You treat me similarly even after you know about my unforgiven sins.


You are an angel..a gift from god to me..and for that..I am so grateful to know you, to have you as my truly dearest friend. It's magical the things that you have done for me.. How you wiped away my tears, how we shared the tears together, how you hugged me tightly when I felt like everything was crushing over me..how you held me neatly when I was so fragile like a thin layered glass.. how you taught me to walk gracefully in my memory lane.. how you shared the weight of my loss, to lift up the burden together with me... I will not forget..I will never forget..

To my dearest sis..Happy 30th birthday...my hugsss n kissses for you..

26th May

Happy Birthday Boy!!

Happy 29th birthday to you my sweetie..

Im sorry that I failed to call you tonite..I did, I swear that I tried to call you..12.06am.. I waited till 12..then lagging time of 5 (like you always say..the 1st 5 minutes is always for the dearest at heart) so it is understood that our 'turn' is always later after 5 mins..and we never missed doing dat for 10 years already..

But I guess, I mistakenly deleted your number..coz I remembered I deleted one of the two numbers that you have given me..I thought I deleted the old one..but I guess, I deleted the new ones..and I feel bad coz I only notice this during ur birthday nite...We never missed this ritual rite..never once, we failed to wish each other.. Im teribbly sorry dat I couldnt get reach of you..Sorry to keep you waiting..

But where ever you are.. I wish you a very happy birthday.. (and me sing u happy birthday song..with my sumbang voice of coz :) ) I wish you well in wateva you do now or in d future.. I wish you a great happiness coz u deserve it..

Again boy..I am very sorry I failed you this time.. I hope will get your number soon..ive asked around, but I guess they are all asleep already.. :(

You take care..

The show must go on..

Hurt him..to save him..

The greatest thing in the world is to love and be loved..some are still looking for real love..some have found theirs..some stayed in love..some left..some think they are in love..some think they are loved..some love are genuine..some love are lust..
Which group do you think u are in?

Seasons change..winter to spring..but true love stays..

True love..what's the definition of it? how much true is true..how much true is enough?True to ourselves or true to our partners? True as in honest or true as in innocent? True at heart..true feelings..true heartache..true pain..true joy..true happiness..that's my definition of true love..

Hope to find true love that will last forever..

Life is a roller coaster..

One day we climbed up..next day, we reached the top..another day, we strolled down, one day,we hit down..next,we try to get up..then, we start to climb..again,we'll reach d top..and the flow remains the same..the wheel will keep on running..

Yesterday, had a conversation with LOML about my dream to be filthy rich.. :) yes, ameen with God's willing..i'll be up there too..but no..will not write abt my dream today..not just yet..mb in some other entries..

Just wanna share a bit of what I've learnt today..

Told LOML that, when Im rich, I will be as humble and down to earth as I can be..but, I choose to have an exception of that, for 2 person.. LOML straightly asked,who are the two?

My top ranking definitely goes to Datin Riak, who obviously had forgotten that she is only His servant, like the rest of us..and He's on top of the rest.. What He chose to give us, is still His..He could take it back whenever He wishes..No use for us to be riak for wat we have, since it is not ours, it is temporarily borrowed to us.. and today, those familiar lines which we hear all the times..has become clearer... Datin Riak beloved husband, Dato H, who has become her shield from her despicable riakness..is now no longer a BH chairman.. Her dato..is now only a dato..not a VVIP that could protect her outrageous, shameless characters anymore..It is like a story of..harimau yang sudah hilang taringnya...Kesian harimau..hihi..

What dat datin has done to me..will forever be remembered by every active cells in my brain..

Datin,
You are much older than me..u should know dat life is like a wheel..and it will not always stop at the peak.. I hope you can atleast muhasabah diri and learn to respect people.. and accept that you are just an ordinary people..nothing special abt u..stop acting like u r a super lady dat owns everything in d world..coz u r not! come on..wake up and be real..and drop the riakness.. it takes u no where..

(all this is a reminder for me too.. made me realized dat He could take watever He borrowed to us, at anytime He wishes.. Triggered me to the point that has long being forgotten..gratitude. Syukur for all His gifts to me..alhamdulillah)

The second person on my list..will be kept unknown till I have a story to share, that should atleast gives us some values, pengajaran and pedoman...I hope that we will not be like both of them ever..lets learn from their mistakes and try our very best not to possess any of their bad,negative attributes...

We should never look down on people..be it the poor, the sick, the old, the ugly, the single.. (hehe) who wants to be dat? Title, money and power may put u at the top, and give u all the kesenangan dat u could have, and could buy everything dat u want, but one thing dat could never be packaged tgther in dat is Respect..one should earn his/her respect.. it's priceless..

im back!!!

hey my little fella..

im back home..tired..sleepy and thirsty...

need to sleep..and need a drink..

had a wonderful weekend with my family..

mom, dad, abg, aa, eya, baby, home, cameron highland, tea,scones, fresh veges, strawberies, AF final, gerbang malam, half boiled egg with toast, nasi goreng, ikan masin, pucuk labu goreng, teh tarik, greentown mall...

LOML called me few times today..but didnt pick up..well..unintentionally..i didnt hear his call everytime..heheh..wat a coincidence..

tired..sleepy..gudnite all..

Mr Cayanne

He is still out there..bugging me with questions dat i could hardly answer.. it has been a year plus since we broke up..and he earned my highest credit for being a total jerk and an asshole..

I hate him for all his act..hate him for all his lies..hate him..hate him.

Hate him for breaking my parent's heart..hate him for giving them false hope..

He made me become a loser in front of my frens..in front of my family..hate him for that..

He made me to believe that I had found someone who really wants to marry me..

He made me to believe that I soon will start a family..

And I hate him for all that....

And now, he is back with all dat stories of how sorry and how he regretted what he has done to me and my family..how regretted he felt by letting me go..and how dumb of him to make all the mistakes..

I told him.. I cant make myself believe all that he told me..I couldnt make myself trust him or his words anymore..

I wish..he could just leave me alone.. stop pretending..stop acting..stop lying..

Mr Cayenne..u can have all super models, celebrities or any young rich girls..so why me??why me? why do still saying all that to me?why did u say that u prayed hard in mecca to be with me? why do u even pray that i am ur jodoh? why me??? i have nothing to offer you..im not rich..im not pretty..im not young..im not one of ur league...so why me???

I cant think of a reason why u want me...so, simple.. my brain couldnt accept this..so no, i dont believe u, and i dont want to believe you..

Mr LOML said he feels empty..

He called me,but today his voice didnt sound normal. Like something is missing..no more cheerful vibes in his voice..he said, he feels empty..he's not happy..he said that he feels like he is dying..

Then he smsed me, he said, he was about to cry after listening to my voice..luckily my mom called, so i had to cut off his line..in d sms, he said that he is feeling so sad, like he is not looking forward for life anymore..

I told him..nothing bad is gonna happen to him..i hope that it will make him feels a bit better.

Nothing much i can help darling..I know exactly how u feel..dat's d feeling of losing something..or someone..like i said, nothing much i can do about it..

Sometimes, it is all about what we wished for..it is about the choice that we made..

Mr Nice Guy= Mr LOML

empty feelings..

just had enough of emotional roller coster..had enough of teary days..had enough of mood swings..today,decided to be a selfish, dynamic, elegant lady...

and DID IT! managed to be one for one whole day..yeaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! :)

emm..how abt tmrw,who/how should i be tomorrow??? how abt..a better me?..a more selfish,more dynamic and more elegant lady... yess..dats wat i should be tomorrow..

so..pada sesapa yg dah hurt me byk tu..tmrw i'll be more cruel than today..well,dat suits u well..

nite niteee...

my 1st day with my new shopping beg!

hehehe...love my new handbag..big,scuba diving material,black..(doesnt sound really nice heh..) emmmm...dont jugde d bag by its owner writing...hahah..

it is an elegant, simple shoulder handbag, carries my favorite designer name..TOD'S.. love it!

my prezzie!!!

well..no one wished me happy mother's day...no one gave me any present..and no one arranged a special dinner to celebrate d day..

nope, i will not let dat spoiled my day..and due to dat..i made myself happy today..by getting myself..a new Tods bag...hahahhaa..so happy to get the bag..and soo happy dat i could come up wit dat decision..

happy mother's day to all.. (just a simple wish, could make a lot of difference..)

goodnite all..hope tomorrow will be a better day.. :)

happy mother's day to me

happy mothers day to all mothers out there..happy mother's day to me as well..such a mixed feelings im having today..i think all mothers would be happy today..but a mother like me..emm...not a happy feeling..im like an invisible mother..a mother..but not a mother..

only few people in this world knows dat im a mother..but even them, think dat wishing me a happy mother's day would make me sad..and i know, deep down they are torn whether to wish me or not..emmm..it is nice though, to get the acknowledgement dat im a mother..i think i deserve a sincere warmest wish..especially from him.. (but,sadly, i dont think he ever recognized me as the mother to his baby) screw him!!

alfie..thank you for making me a mother..2 months with you has created a very special bonding between us..u know i love you so much..and if i could turn back the time, i would keep u safe with me..i will face all those cruel people..face the world, face the shame...with u..will not let u go, dont care, dont bother abt the others..

alfie..losing u is the most painful moment in my life..have to stay alive without u is a torture to me..have to keep faith n be strong knowing u mite hate me, is killing me silently.. baby..if i could turn back the time..i would..

alfie..i promise u, dat i will soon be with u..and alfie..pls wait for me, pls dont turn ur back on me..pls give me a hug, pls give me a kiss, which ive been loong dreaming about..

baby..wish mommy a happy mother's day yaa..

pocket book???

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

just noticed dat my last entry was in 2008..hehe..such a loooong time yah..i nearly forgotten my username,luckily i found it written in my small pocket book..which i carry everywhere..hihi..

i told myself dat, from now on, i would like to treat this blog like a journal..my personal daily pocket book. this will be the place where i will pour my feeling out..be it sadness,joy,jokes,or just some daily boring routine..this gonna be my little secret place to reveal my very personal thoughts,and my very personal details of my life,which ive been keeping safely in my heart for 30 years..well, mb because of dat, my heart started to have heart-ache..my secrets are eating my soul..so..i hope this will work..freely i will just write down wat i feel, without any judgement..and without any expectation..simply the freedom or writing..and freedom of being alive...no more guidelines,no more ckp berlapik..simply an honest, blunt entry of my life...

ready ppl?? hehe..

1st) i have to be disciplined enough to spend time writing my thoughts (please please..i can do this!..yessss, i can do it!)
2nd) i have to be brave enough to be blunt (y do we have to be polite all d time?)
3rd) i have to stop being pretentious (something dat im born with..and im sooo tired of being one)
4th) ......
*long pause*

emmmm..trying to figure out wat my number 4 should be..tapi couldnt figure out lagi..so just let it be lah..as at now..i could only find 3 things dat i should overcome in order for me to keep my personal daily pocket book ni alive... :)

well..off i go..it's saturday nite..and being single,it is a must for me to be outside d house..(let it be hanging out dgn sape sape pon lah..asalkan kuar...hihi) - *another thing which i keep telling myself a million times when i got very lazy and attached to my home so much, until i forgot dat there is another world outside..and i am still in my man hunting session..!

adiossss..