My Little Princess

It's 19th again..i thought the 3rd time would be easier or less painful for me..but i was wrong..it's still another challenging day for me..it was hard for me to open up my eyes today..not only because they are swollen due to my endless crying session last nite, but also because i feel so sad to embrace what just happenned 3 months ago..but i guess this is my punishment that i have to endure for the rest of my life for letting go of the most precious gift from God.

Alfie sayang, i have no regrets to feel this pain,if this pain makes me feel closer to you. I had a long conversation with Mr Nice Guy last nite..guess what he said..why should i remember and always talk about alfie if these will make me feel hurt and difficult for me to move on? I didnt answer him coz i'd lost my words to his question. how could he asked me that..

Alfie sayang, mommy knows the answer..how could i not be talking about u..coz u r my sweet little voice..how could i forget u..u r my heart and soul.. how could i ignore u..u r my breath that keep me alive..I dont want to lose you another time sayang, so i will keep all the pain if that makes me feel near to you. Give me more pain, and i would take it without any hesitation,give me more twinge,yes i would take it..coz i am all yours sayang..Alfie, forgive me for the experience and the pain that ive caused you three months ago..

I will never stop asking you to forgive me..and asking god for forgiveness..and asking god to atleast open up your ayah's heart for you..sayang..if he chooses not to be with us..it's alrite ok..u still have mommy..and all these while pon..it was only you and me..and we made it.

Sayang..i want you to be happy there..u are my angel..my little, sweet, adorable angel..and i miss you so dearly...

I LOVE YOU FOREVER

alfie..

i miss u baby..i miss u soo much sayang..it's nearly two months u left me..it's ur birthday again..dat's why mommy misses you sooo much..the thoughts of you warmth my heart..i wish i didnt loose you so soon..i wish..i could hold you forever..i wish i could touch you...you are forever my love and i love you so much..and i miss you sayang..sangat..

im stronger...

hey..

guess wat..ive become a stronger person!! i knew it tonite..when Mr Nice Guy mentioned about his short trip with QC to sabah..surprisingly..i can accept that..of coz at first..i felt jeolous..and i showed it to him..but after a while..my sensible mind told me not too..and i simply said to him.."I'm done.." Mr Nice guy was shocked and asked me..what do i mean when i say dat..i said..im done with me torturing myself..i told him..tonite, he would say all the nicest things and how he understand how i feel..but tomorrow, he's gonna have fun with qc and leave me alone to handle this..so i said to him..nope..im done..im not going to be sad, while he's having fun..

and i meant every single word i said..enough of being stupid..i told him..i refused to think abt this..and i told him..that now..he has his own life..and i have my own..once in a while,if our path crosses,then it crosses laa..we spend time..have gud laughs,share our stories..then dat's it..then, we move on again..i found it,it's easier dat way..no string attach..no emotions attach..

im glad dat tonite..i can smile while writing this.. :) i know that ive crossed another step of becoming stronger..

i feel a sense of achievement..me protecting my heart..me protecting myself.. :) yahhhhhhhhhoooo...i cant believe it!! im actually defending myself not to be played anymore..isnt it great?? ehehheh..

i feel great abt myself..i do..thank you god for helping me thru..and for loving me..

L.O.V.E

I thought I knew the meaning of love..I thought I have found my true love..I thought I understand love and I thought I have given my best love..

Have I been in love? The question should be have I been out of love? :) I have been in love for a million time but never I have less to give for every love I found..Im happy just thinking about how beautiful love could be and how special it can make me feel..to describe love, I need not a page..I need endless pages where I could write how each and every moment of time in love make me feel alive..

I should thank for those loving guys that I had, that shared with me the finest love one could have. Started with a tall, dark and handsome guy, which was my 1st crush back there in school..he taught me how to appreciate myself and to be independent..

Then a fair, sexy sporty rugby player came around..gosh..he taught me how to be playful but yet loyal to each other, he taught me about sincerity and forgiveness..

Later came a tall, innocent engieneer, shared with me about the values of a relationship, honesty and understanding..

After that, came a guy who taught me to be truthful about myself, and make me realized my self worth..

Again, love found me..and this time with a charismatic, mature guy that caught my eyes at the first time with his pure genuine smile..he taught me the power of love, the meaning of sharing and introduced me to H.O.P.E

Love has made who I am today, it is the reason I feel excited every morning knowing that today would be the day love will find me again. I have loads and loads of love to give..and I am not scared of giving..and I know those guys were not the last guys that I would love..

I've made a promise to myself, I am still not giving up on L.O.V.E. I will love, be loved and share my love with the one very soon.. Love is just so beautiful that I will never let go, even that takes me to go through a great extend of pain.. I have gone through that and done with it..Now is my time to just be brave to face whatever in front of me and never be scared to be hurt again.. (what is the worst thing could happen after what I have gone through??? ) Nothing!

So..welcome love...and thank you love..

A splash of moment

It has been a month since he left..

At this exact date last month..he sent me few pages of sms to notify me that our 5 years 8 months relationship/1 year 11 months of love sharing ends. With just paragraphs of words..he shut me off from his life..

With no hesitation and regrets, he pushed me away from his world..

My heart sank with tears, the wound will heal one day..but the scar will remain forever..