children..

Children..Kids..Babies..Nephews..Nieces..

It's a miracle how they can make you feel..so much love that you want to share with them..they always can make you smile..they are hilarious in their own ways....I just love being with them..they can swipe away your sadness and replace it with such a beautiful feeling -contentment..

Yesterday, I found out that my 4 yrs old niece is now able to read..as fluently as her 7 yr old brother.. And being the most sporting, loving aunty but yet a 'guru besar' when it comes to academic, I tested both of them.. And to my pleasant surprise, they read to me a whole story book fluently in British accent..I was so happy that my eyes were full with tears, as I saw two growing children in front of me..I saw them at birth..I taught them abc, I remember how they jumbled all the alphabets and nearly made me giving up on them..and now they are all grown up..and they are brilliant!!!! :)

Honestly, I am so proud of them.. And today..I have bought them 6 more new story books.. I hope they will love the books..and I will still be looking for good books for them..I am so excited seeing them growing up..to see what new things they can do, new abilities they can master, new skills that they uphold..

My dearest beautiful darlings..You all have made me as one proud aunty!!! really.. I love you all sooooooooo much..and I want to see more... :p

Love... forever..

self exposed..hehe

I have been wanting to do this..hehe..but there's some reasons dat stopped me for doing so..
BUT i can definitely do this in my own blog..yahooooo..

The RULES:Bold the statements that are true to you. Italic the statements that you WISH are true. Leave the Fibs alone. The LIST to Bold/Italic/Just-let-it-be:

• I miss somebody right now.
• I don't watch TV these days.
• I own lots of magazines.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I've tried marijuana.
• I have been in a threesome.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
• I curse sometimes.
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. ( so much..it's a normal life process rite??) -ayat nak sedapkan hati.. :)
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I'm totally smart. (I'm smarter than some ppl..I wish to be totally smart in everything tho..)
• I've broken someone's bones.
• I'm paranoid sometimes.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (still - NO WAY !!)
• I need money right now. ( Who does'nt?)
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
• I like the way I look.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I have a hidden talent. (yess, not only dat, I always dream to have super power :D)
• I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am currently single.
• I have pecked someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
• I love to shop. (It's the best ever invented activity..hehe)
• I enjoy window shopping ( It's a superb therapy!)
• I would rather shop then eat. ( hehehe)
• I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. ( I hate them)
• I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have a cell phone.
• I believe in God.
• I watch MTV on a daily basis.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
• I've rejected someone before.
• I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future. (Of coz,kalo tak sape nak pakai nama2 mommy dah pick up tu... :) )
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I've called the cops on a friend before.
• I'm not allergic to anything.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
• I am shy around the opposite sex.
• I have tried alcohol before.
• I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the "South Park" movie.
• I would die for my best friends.
• I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. ( Domino's better..)
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. (hahaha..never)
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (never been to one)
• I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. (nope, but surely knows someone who does)
• I have dated a close friends's ex.
• I am happy at this moment!! ( could be happier rite..)
• I'm obsessed with guys (on TV).
• I study for tests most of the time. (LOMA LOMA)
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. ( I dont wear one,zaman sekolah pon zapp zapp je)
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now
• I have more than just my ears pierced. (Emmm..I wish to pierce other parts of mybody too)
• I walk barefoot wherever i can.
• I have jumped off a bridge.
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
• I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
• I hate office jobs.
• I love sci-fi movies. (X men, transformers sume tu kan..woverine pon tak tgk lg :(
• I think water rules.
• I went college out of state.
• I like sausage.
• I love kisses.
• I fall for the worst people.
• I adore bright colours.
• I can't live without black eyeliner.
• I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can't whistle.
• I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither. ( I surely can.. :) )
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I've ever written in.
• I can't stick to a diet.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
• Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
• I have jazz in my blood.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo. ( wish to have them at several parts of my body..)
• I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie. (yeahhhhh..teh tarik is a must)
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I'm an artist.
• I only clean my room when necessary.
• I like a person of the same sex.
• I love being happy.
• I am an adrenaline junkie.

(2)" If I can ....(fill in the blank with something impossible)....I will NOT .....(fill in the blank)....because ....(fill in the blank)....."

If I can (turn back the time), I will NOT (choose to loose Alfie) because (no one should take him away from me,he's mine...I should have protected him..)


(3)This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS … type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you hear these 50 words. Don’t think and don’t go back and change. Doesn’t matter how random just type it!
1. Beer: clubs
2. Food: sedap
3. Relationships: complicated
4. Crush: Abg harish
5. Power Rangers: stupid
6. Life: tough
7. The President: obama
8. Yummy: the biscuit
9. Car: Bmw 5 series
10. Movie: Woverine..
11. Halloween: costumes
12. Sex: great
13. Religion: Islam
14. Hate: liars
15. Fear: height
16. Marriage: beautiful
17. Blondes: dumb
18. Slippers: beach
19. Shoes: stuart weitzman
20. Asians: Japan
21. Pass time: lepak
22. One night stand : never
23. My cell Phone: Nokia
24. Smoke: seldom
25. Fantasy: guys
26. College: taz
27. High school Life: fun
28. Pajamas: panas
29. Stars: virgo
30. Center: point
31. Alcohol: idiots
32. The word love: calming
33. Friends: great!!!
34. Money: want more..
35. Heartache: not me
36. Time: fast
37. Divorce: dont want
38. Dogs: cutee
39. Undies: haaa?
40. Parents: miss them!
41. Babies: alfie,alfie,alfie
42. Ex: pain
43. Song: nice
44. Color: bright
45. Weddings: stressful
46. Pizza: dominos
47. Hangout: dome
48. Rest: massage
49. Goal: to be happy
50. Inspiration: $$$

(5)1. If you can be an animal, what will u be? Why?who are you? Horse, can run fast
2. If you robbed a bank, what do you want to do with the money? Spend it to buy handbangs,shoes,get myself a huge beautiful mansion in UK,buy an island,travelling..
3. If you can teleport yourself anywhere in the world, where do you want to be? why?at the moment..US, want to meet n hug someone..
4. If you know that you are dying, what is the last meal that you want? why? sedihnye..mak nye sotong masak asam, sambal tumis petai..
5. If you can only kill one person in this world, who is the person? why? no one..
6. If you can choose either to have more than 24 hours a day or can live more than 100 years, what is your choice? why? both also I will not choose..it's too long already..
7. If you can date celebrities, who is that person? why? brat pitt..wanna see whether he is truly a heartrobe or not..
8. If you can only have 1 thing in this world, what should that be? Why? ALFIE.

happy birthday to my dearest fren!

You are my strength..whenever I feel weak, you'll come and save me..whenever I drown, you pick me up with your comforting words..even geographically you are too far to be reached..but your heart always touches mine..It keeps me warm whenever I shiver, you help me find the pieces of my heart and join them back together.. You make me believe that there is always a better life for me in the future..You treat me similarly even after you know about my unforgiven sins.


You are an angel..a gift from god to me..and for that..I am so grateful to know you, to have you as my truly dearest friend. It's magical the things that you have done for me.. How you wiped away my tears, how we shared the tears together, how you hugged me tightly when I felt like everything was crushing over me..how you held me neatly when I was so fragile like a thin layered glass.. how you taught me to walk gracefully in my memory lane.. how you shared the weight of my loss, to lift up the burden together with me... I will not forget..I will never forget..

To my dearest sis..Happy 30th birthday...my hugsss n kissses for you..

26th May

Happy Birthday Boy!!

Happy 29th birthday to you my sweetie..

Im sorry that I failed to call you tonite..I did, I swear that I tried to call you..12.06am.. I waited till 12..then lagging time of 5 (like you always say..the 1st 5 minutes is always for the dearest at heart) so it is understood that our 'turn' is always later after 5 mins..and we never missed doing dat for 10 years already..

But I guess, I mistakenly deleted your number..coz I remembered I deleted one of the two numbers that you have given me..I thought I deleted the old one..but I guess, I deleted the new ones..and I feel bad coz I only notice this during ur birthday nite...We never missed this ritual rite..never once, we failed to wish each other.. Im teribbly sorry dat I couldnt get reach of you..Sorry to keep you waiting..

But where ever you are.. I wish you a very happy birthday.. (and me sing u happy birthday song..with my sumbang voice of coz :) ) I wish you well in wateva you do now or in d future.. I wish you a great happiness coz u deserve it..

Again boy..I am very sorry I failed you this time.. I hope will get your number soon..ive asked around, but I guess they are all asleep already.. :(

You take care..

The show must go on..

Hurt him..to save him..

The greatest thing in the world is to love and be loved..some are still looking for real love..some have found theirs..some stayed in love..some left..some think they are in love..some think they are loved..some love are genuine..some love are lust..
Which group do you think u are in?

Seasons change..winter to spring..but true love stays..

True love..what's the definition of it? how much true is true..how much true is enough?True to ourselves or true to our partners? True as in honest or true as in innocent? True at heart..true feelings..true heartache..true pain..true joy..true happiness..that's my definition of true love..

Hope to find true love that will last forever..

Life is a roller coaster..

One day we climbed up..next day, we reached the top..another day, we strolled down, one day,we hit down..next,we try to get up..then, we start to climb..again,we'll reach d top..and the flow remains the same..the wheel will keep on running..

Yesterday, had a conversation with LOML about my dream to be filthy rich.. :) yes, ameen with God's willing..i'll be up there too..but no..will not write abt my dream today..not just yet..mb in some other entries..

Just wanna share a bit of what I've learnt today..

Told LOML that, when Im rich, I will be as humble and down to earth as I can be..but, I choose to have an exception of that, for 2 person.. LOML straightly asked,who are the two?

My top ranking definitely goes to Datin Riak, who obviously had forgotten that she is only His servant, like the rest of us..and He's on top of the rest.. What He chose to give us, is still His..He could take it back whenever He wishes..No use for us to be riak for wat we have, since it is not ours, it is temporarily borrowed to us.. and today, those familiar lines which we hear all the times..has become clearer... Datin Riak beloved husband, Dato H, who has become her shield from her despicable riakness..is now no longer a BH chairman.. Her dato..is now only a dato..not a VVIP that could protect her outrageous, shameless characters anymore..It is like a story of..harimau yang sudah hilang taringnya...Kesian harimau..hihi..

What dat datin has done to me..will forever be remembered by every active cells in my brain..

Datin,
You are much older than me..u should know dat life is like a wheel..and it will not always stop at the peak.. I hope you can atleast muhasabah diri and learn to respect people.. and accept that you are just an ordinary people..nothing special abt u..stop acting like u r a super lady dat owns everything in d world..coz u r not! come on..wake up and be real..and drop the riakness.. it takes u no where..

(all this is a reminder for me too.. made me realized dat He could take watever He borrowed to us, at anytime He wishes.. Triggered me to the point that has long being forgotten..gratitude. Syukur for all His gifts to me..alhamdulillah)

The second person on my list..will be kept unknown till I have a story to share, that should atleast gives us some values, pengajaran and pedoman...I hope that we will not be like both of them ever..lets learn from their mistakes and try our very best not to possess any of their bad,negative attributes...

We should never look down on people..be it the poor, the sick, the old, the ugly, the single.. (hehe) who wants to be dat? Title, money and power may put u at the top, and give u all the kesenangan dat u could have, and could buy everything dat u want, but one thing dat could never be packaged tgther in dat is Respect..one should earn his/her respect.. it's priceless..

im back!!!

hey my little fella..

im back home..tired..sleepy and thirsty...

need to sleep..and need a drink..

had a wonderful weekend with my family..

mom, dad, abg, aa, eya, baby, home, cameron highland, tea,scones, fresh veges, strawberies, AF final, gerbang malam, half boiled egg with toast, nasi goreng, ikan masin, pucuk labu goreng, teh tarik, greentown mall...

LOML called me few times today..but didnt pick up..well..unintentionally..i didnt hear his call everytime..heheh..wat a coincidence..

tired..sleepy..gudnite all..

Mr Cayanne

He is still out there..bugging me with questions dat i could hardly answer.. it has been a year plus since we broke up..and he earned my highest credit for being a total jerk and an asshole..

I hate him for all his act..hate him for all his lies..hate him..hate him.

Hate him for breaking my parent's heart..hate him for giving them false hope..

He made me become a loser in front of my frens..in front of my family..hate him for that..

He made me to believe that I had found someone who really wants to marry me..

He made me to believe that I soon will start a family..

And I hate him for all that....

And now, he is back with all dat stories of how sorry and how he regretted what he has done to me and my family..how regretted he felt by letting me go..and how dumb of him to make all the mistakes..

I told him.. I cant make myself believe all that he told me..I couldnt make myself trust him or his words anymore..

I wish..he could just leave me alone.. stop pretending..stop acting..stop lying..

Mr Cayenne..u can have all super models, celebrities or any young rich girls..so why me??why me? why do still saying all that to me?why did u say that u prayed hard in mecca to be with me? why do u even pray that i am ur jodoh? why me??? i have nothing to offer you..im not rich..im not pretty..im not young..im not one of ur league...so why me???

I cant think of a reason why u want me...so, simple.. my brain couldnt accept this..so no, i dont believe u, and i dont want to believe you..

Mr LOML said he feels empty..

He called me,but today his voice didnt sound normal. Like something is missing..no more cheerful vibes in his voice..he said, he feels empty..he's not happy..he said that he feels like he is dying..

Then he smsed me, he said, he was about to cry after listening to my voice..luckily my mom called, so i had to cut off his line..in d sms, he said that he is feeling so sad, like he is not looking forward for life anymore..

I told him..nothing bad is gonna happen to him..i hope that it will make him feels a bit better.

Nothing much i can help darling..I know exactly how u feel..dat's d feeling of losing something..or someone..like i said, nothing much i can do about it..

Sometimes, it is all about what we wished for..it is about the choice that we made..

Mr Nice Guy= Mr LOML

empty feelings..

just had enough of emotional roller coster..had enough of teary days..had enough of mood swings..today,decided to be a selfish, dynamic, elegant lady...

and DID IT! managed to be one for one whole day..yeaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! :)

emm..how abt tmrw,who/how should i be tomorrow??? how abt..a better me?..a more selfish,more dynamic and more elegant lady... yess..dats wat i should be tomorrow..

so..pada sesapa yg dah hurt me byk tu..tmrw i'll be more cruel than today..well,dat suits u well..

nite niteee...

my 1st day with my new shopping beg!

hehehe...love my new handbag..big,scuba diving material,black..(doesnt sound really nice heh..) emmmm...dont jugde d bag by its owner writing...hahah..

it is an elegant, simple shoulder handbag, carries my favorite designer name..TOD'S.. love it!

my prezzie!!!

well..no one wished me happy mother's day...no one gave me any present..and no one arranged a special dinner to celebrate d day..

nope, i will not let dat spoiled my day..and due to dat..i made myself happy today..by getting myself..a new Tods bag...hahahhaa..so happy to get the bag..and soo happy dat i could come up wit dat decision..

happy mother's day to all.. (just a simple wish, could make a lot of difference..)

goodnite all..hope tomorrow will be a better day.. :)

happy mother's day to me

happy mothers day to all mothers out there..happy mother's day to me as well..such a mixed feelings im having today..i think all mothers would be happy today..but a mother like me..emm...not a happy feeling..im like an invisible mother..a mother..but not a mother..

only few people in this world knows dat im a mother..but even them, think dat wishing me a happy mother's day would make me sad..and i know, deep down they are torn whether to wish me or not..emmm..it is nice though, to get the acknowledgement dat im a mother..i think i deserve a sincere warmest wish..especially from him.. (but,sadly, i dont think he ever recognized me as the mother to his baby) screw him!!

alfie..thank you for making me a mother..2 months with you has created a very special bonding between us..u know i love you so much..and if i could turn back the time, i would keep u safe with me..i will face all those cruel people..face the world, face the shame...with u..will not let u go, dont care, dont bother abt the others..

alfie..losing u is the most painful moment in my life..have to stay alive without u is a torture to me..have to keep faith n be strong knowing u mite hate me, is killing me silently.. baby..if i could turn back the time..i would..

alfie..i promise u, dat i will soon be with u..and alfie..pls wait for me, pls dont turn ur back on me..pls give me a hug, pls give me a kiss, which ive been loong dreaming about..

baby..wish mommy a happy mother's day yaa..

pocket book???

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

just noticed dat my last entry was in 2008..hehe..such a loooong time yah..i nearly forgotten my username,luckily i found it written in my small pocket book..which i carry everywhere..hihi..

i told myself dat, from now on, i would like to treat this blog like a journal..my personal daily pocket book. this will be the place where i will pour my feeling out..be it sadness,joy,jokes,or just some daily boring routine..this gonna be my little secret place to reveal my very personal thoughts,and my very personal details of my life,which ive been keeping safely in my heart for 30 years..well, mb because of dat, my heart started to have heart-ache..my secrets are eating my soul..so..i hope this will work..freely i will just write down wat i feel, without any judgement..and without any expectation..simply the freedom or writing..and freedom of being alive...no more guidelines,no more ckp berlapik..simply an honest, blunt entry of my life...

ready ppl?? hehe..

1st) i have to be disciplined enough to spend time writing my thoughts (please please..i can do this!..yessss, i can do it!)
2nd) i have to be brave enough to be blunt (y do we have to be polite all d time?)
3rd) i have to stop being pretentious (something dat im born with..and im sooo tired of being one)
4th) ......
*long pause*

emmmm..trying to figure out wat my number 4 should be..tapi couldnt figure out lagi..so just let it be lah..as at now..i could only find 3 things dat i should overcome in order for me to keep my personal daily pocket book ni alive... :)

well..off i go..it's saturday nite..and being single,it is a must for me to be outside d house..(let it be hanging out dgn sape sape pon lah..asalkan kuar...hihi) - *another thing which i keep telling myself a million times when i got very lazy and attached to my home so much, until i forgot dat there is another world outside..and i am still in my man hunting session..!

adiossss..