K.I.S.S

yes..I miss that too. But this time, I'm not gonna talk about my hot steamy kiss..just writing down a K.I.S.S note to d love of my life.

"Thank you a million for d superb dinner, for d great conversation and for the great company..you give me joy n happiness even in the shortest time we shared. I really appreciate your effort n time that you spent with me tonite. It is our 50th mths anniversary, and as special as the renowned Jubli Emas..you made it special just for being here with me..thank you, thank you thank you.. Happy new year to my beloved comelest..you will always be my fireworks where ever u are.."

p/s- even in la parisss..or bostannnn... :)

Be with the one that you could not live without

It has been a while that I have stopped writing. I wanted to just live my life and be normal and happy just like others. Feeling has been bottled up, thoughts have been piling up. It is not as easy as one could say..or one could see..

It is right when people say.."Be with the one that you could not live without". But now, I am forced to live against this saying. I am forced to accept that I could live a better life, happier life without him, the love of my life. How could I live? how could I be happier? How could this be better for me?

God knows how much I've tried to hold to the statement "I'll be better without him, I'll be happier, I'll be much loved". God knows how much I wanted it to be true. But I'm only human..I'm still the girl who believe that her love is her life..I'm still the girl who stupidly believe that love conquers all..I'm still the girl, who believe that her first kiss is for the love of her life.

I am still a girl that hold to memories to keep her alive, I am still a girl who wishes to be loved. I am still a girl who wishes that her boy will love her back unconditionally.

It is hard to love, it is even harder to let go of a true love.. he is my true love. I love him for what he is, love him for what he is not. Love him for his perfection, love him even more for his imperfection. Love him for his charistma, loves him for his every weaknesses.

Loves him when he snored, loves him when his tummy couldnt stand spicy food, loves him when his hair looks messy, loves him, when he fell asleep just in the count of three. loves his smell in the morning, loves his smell in the afternoon, loves his smell in d nites..

Love him when he hold my hands so tightly till it hurts, love him for driving recklessly, love him for walking fast, love him for his precious 2 hours, love him even when I knew he lied, love him even he has broken my heart repeatedly. Love him so much it is beyond words..

Reaffirmation: To live AGAINST the saying above is HARD.

So pls say that "I'll have a better and happier life" again.. Could you?

i miss you..

things are no longer beautiful as before..it is definitely real when people say that love fades, sparks get dimmer, feelings change..

i missed the moment when we cared abt each other, when we excitedly find chances to be together..when we created the time, just to say hello..and how we planned surprises just to see the look on our faces..

i missed the moment..when there were so many laughters and warmth feelings between us..how your smile made my day, how your voice kept me awake, how your touch comforted me..

how i missed the moment of the former you and the unchanged me..

my words have lost her charm, my voice has lost its sweetness..so, i can only say it here..i miss you..i really do..

one small gesture does make a difference

I still remember the day I received 12 dozens of flowers..roses, carnations, tulips, and flowers that I don’t even know the names..they were delivered to my home, received by my parents coz I was away in Malacca. The next day, I rushed back to my hometown, and to see my living hall, full of blossom flowers..it was like a flower shop.. I was speechless and I definitely happy..there was a card waiting to be opened too..and in the card..there were words that forever will be kept in my mind..thanks to him..for making me happy even he was far far away..isnt it sweet? it does feel soooo sweet..

I remember the day I received 21 red roses, hand delivered to me by a very great man..that was the 1st roses he gave me but definitely not the last one..21 roses resembles the day me and him started as a couple..and on every 21st of the months, we celebrated it with joy..receiving great notes, hand made cards, beautiful poems, surprised dinners, great gifts, all were done with love.. am I lucky? Damn I am lucky to have those memories crafted in my heart..

It was a sunny day, I was lepaking at home with frens.. I received a call from a man, whom I had not seen for a while..coz we were separated my few states.. I jumped of joy wanted to enter my room, for better privacy..he asked to look out over my window..and to my surprise, there he was with a lovely smile a man could have, standing at the gate waving at me.. there he was, giving me a surprise visit, just after I told him I had a headache and I was all nervous to face my mid term exam. He brought instant smile to my face, he lifted up my world..

I was hungry, and I was alone in my room at the hostel. It was a weekend break after exam, so most of my friends went back home.. I went down to café to get some food..but the café was also closed..so there I was, hungry and alone.. I went back to my room feeling sad.. then he called, saying that he’s on his way back to college..coz he started missing me and he felt bad leaving when he knows that my friends were away. So he came back, brought me food, and accompany me for the whole weekend.. did I ask him to come back or to bring me food? No, I did not. He did it coz he wanted too.. and that’s to me..purely sweet..

Emm, there was a guy, who shared a brief moment with me.. I hardly remember his favorite food, or color..we see each other during weekends coz he was working outstation.. he would drive 5 hours every Friday after work..only to reach his house around midnight, so that he could have breakfast with me on Saturday morning..we then would go to this banana leaf warung..to have our chapatti and teh tarik..and after few months, he bought me a ring and wanted to see my parents..he wanted me to be his forever.. was it sweet? Not to me at that moment..

There was a night which I felt like a princess..he called, asked me to dress up, rang my bell, closed my eyes with his hand to his car..opened the door for me..and there I was..stunned to see petals of roses all over the seat..the seat turned red for once :) I was shocked coz I know how particular he was about tidiness of his car, and now his car has turned to carpet of roses.. he then surprised me with another bouquet of red roses and a beautifully wrapped present. We then went to this villa over looking a lake, with nice music at the background..and definitely good food for dining.. I had such a great time..

In my life, I have received all the sweet things one could have..i have received thousands of flowers..plenty of bouquets..numbers of presents..poems..words that melts..gestures that stays in my heart..those memories will keep me alive and keep me grounded, as sometimes I become forgetful of how fortunate I was and still am.. and even if, god decided not to give me the chance to feel all those anymore, I would not be mad at Him..coz He has given me all..He has made me feel so special..

-ve vs +ve

can hatred turns to love? is my fear holding me down? could it be a beautiful love story in the making?

you have started making me happy..now i can laugh..not at u, but with you..and now i can smile, whenever i think about u..just like ur prayers that u have shared with me, i too hope for my fear to be gone soon..so that you will be happy too...im not as cold as u think, u know ;) u'll find out..

thanks alfie..

I'm a stronger mother each day..happy mother's day to me :)

it's your BIG day my love..

happy birthday ALfie!!

we started rite on time kan..hihi..mommy was so excited getting the plan done..and lucky me, i managed to get everything done on time..so at 12 midnite..me and alfie..blew a blue clown cake together..and snapped some beautiful photos.. :)

I hope u love your prezzie.. :) mommy loves dat so much..1st time i laid eyes on it, i know that i shoud get it for my little baby.. so now..i can hug u anytime i like..and anytime i need u..i know where to find you..mmmmmuuaaaahhhh..

and today, like promised..just you and me..spending time together..nothing else matters..we had fun did'nt we? not to worry my dear..even any other days, u will always be in my heart..i promise you that..and im sure, when my time comes, i will be all excited to go..coz i know, i'll be meeting you..till dat day comes..im here with you..you are never alone..

today is your day baby..and i keep my promise.. :) im so happy.. and alfie, never ever be sad..dunia akhirat..hanya alfie and mommy..takde org lain..jgn fikir psal org lain..org yg tak nak ingat kita, kita tak payah ingat dia..yg penting..alfie happy hari ni kan..mommy pon happy sangat..alfie baby..how i wish i could see you smiling at me now..god knows how i wish i could kiss you and hug you for real..

mommy has done terrible things to you..and i hope dat, you will forgive me coz u shud know dat losing you was the biggest mistake mommy has ever done..i shoud have fought for your rite to see d world..and forever i will be in dat guilt,and forever i will not forgive myself..

alfie sayang..those thing ive done to u, i could never repay..but i promise you one thing, my love is forever with you..in my heart, there's you everywhere..full with your memories,even u were with me for 2 months..but your presence has permanently printed in my heart, my life..i have no regrets spending my precious two months with you..

if mommy would ever become pregnant again,i want you..i want you to choose me again..and be born healtily..and happily spending the rest of your life with me..pls choose me again, pls give me the chance to make it up to you, pls give me the chance to love, to hug, to kiss, to pamper you in this world..plsss..pls choose me coz that would be the real gift for me..no other gift, no other thing that i want..i just want you back..

alfie, ppl mite say dat ive gone crazy to do all this..they dont understand, i am all centered and definitely not crazy to do all this, to plan all this, to be wanting all this..i am not carried away, i am just totally missing you like crazy, and love you whole heartedly.. i want you to know dat..

alfie sayang..there is no ending to what i want to say to you, to describe my love to you..to let you know that how empty my life is witout you..there's always things to say to you..u know rite..u know all that rite..

baby..today is your day, dont be sad..dari dulu sampai skrng..hanya alfie n mommy..and it will remain that way..no one can be in our circle anymore, we have given enough space, enough time for him to be part of us..but he never wants to be inside..so my love, we have been pulling him to be part of us..but he refused..that is his choice..he has made that choice, nothing else we can do...but it doesnt matter rite..coz you and me, that's all matters.. :)

alfie sayang, i'll make sure that my love will make you the happiest boy in heaven :) and alfie..keep smiling..and be happy..u deserve it..

tight hugs, thousand kisses, millions of happy thoughts, sincerest love, never ending hope and prayers for your happiness... :) happy 1st birthday sayang..

your mommy..

alfie..my son..

it's getting nearer to your day baby..and my thoughts are full of you..it seems impossible to not be thinking about you..i love it coz it makes me feel so close to you..i dreamt abt you last nite.. :) thank you for visiting me..u have no idea how dat made me feel..

you must have heard my voice dat nite rite..how i wanted you to hug me..and how much i miss you, and how much i wanted to feel you in my arms..thank you alfie..for coming in my dream, you made it so real.. :) you are such a big boy now..and you looked so happy..and that makes me soooo happy..so happy.. :)

we'll blow a cake together tmrw..u and me..i'll be there for you..dont you be sad..we'll celebrate d day no matter where you are..coz you are the most special son i ever had..and you are everything in my life..

even we are in different world..but you never alone..you are always close to me..you are always, always in my mind..in my heart..and you are so special to me..nothing else is above you..i love you so much alfie..so much..

missing you terribly..mommy

i have planned something very special for you my baby..can't wait for dat day to come..u and me..celebrating your 1st ever birthday..i wish you are here with me..i really do..

my baby will turn 1..

In one month time..Alfie will be one year old!! :) i love u sayang..

im tired of being tired..
im tired of being emotionless..

ive tried not to have any feelings about what happenned surrounding me..i chose to be emotionless coz i thought it will make my life simply simple..

but no..i figured tonite that being emotionless is not the answer..by doing that, i was just lying to myself, just a short term escape and temporary relief..

i have started missing myself who forever having emotional roller coaster..so starting tonite,i'm just gonna be myself back..

dont care wat ppl think,dont care wat ppl say, just cant be bothered by all dat..
just gonna look for my happiness..be selfish again..be myself again..

to those who has not been kind to me..go to hell!

am not complaining..

Today just had me to the max..felt so tired after a loooooong time at work..not complaining..just sharing..

When I’m tired..I wont be able to sleep..funny isn’it? I guess..when I am physically tired, my mind just choose to be part of that too..my mind just couldn’t stop thinking and working..again, not complaining..just sharing how my body and mind works.. :)

Somehow, I couldn’t stop thinking of how good it is to have someone holding me at this point of time..when your body just can’t stop ache-ing..and your mind just need some pause. Someone to just listen to your unspoken tiredness..and be one with it..you understand what I’m saying?

And I just couldn’t stop thinking what I had done wrong..not to have that someone with me now..to hold and to breath with me the air of calmness that would take the exhaustion away from me..what had I done wrong? What have I not done?

Im sure I will feel better if I could just rest and feel his warm arms around me..and listen to his heartbeats…I’m sure I will be in different world..definitely not in this lonely and quiet night.. not complaining..just sharing..

Another question that just popped in my mind..would I change everything that I have now..for something that I don’t have? Would I?

...

Hi..

It has been a while kan..I have been good,bad,wild,innocent,sad,happy,sweet,fierce, afraid,brave,empty,lonely,contented,lazy,energetic,spirited,emotional,numb,selfish,
friendly,stubborn,passionate,cold…

There is no specific tajuk that I want to share today..just some words,thoughts in my mind..so expect nothing from this..could just be a waste of ur time..

Today, I am feeling so empty..my heart just sank when I listened to some old songs just now, my eyes just filled with tears when I looked at one little toddler excitingly having his ice cream..my smile turned sour when I saw a couple holding hands with big smiles on their faces..wat’s happening to me?

Sometimes..I want everything to stop, so that I can scream and laugh, and smile and cry at the same time…and turn back the time and change everything.. BUT change to wat? I don’t know..i really don’t know.. should I change myself, my expectation, my hope, my dream?

And where is miracles? When can I have my miracle..why do miracle happens to others..and not me? Or I already got them, but I didn’t realize it? Is this called ungrateful? Is it wrong not to feel enough?

Im just tired I guess, to be feeling and to be thinking of all these…yeah..maybe…

I am just very tired.