My angel came to visit me :)

Got my durian...and had the best dream of my life last nite!

I hugged Alfie last nite..and we were both so happy..the feeling is undescribable..me and him were in a soooo damn happy mood...he was hugging me very tight and I hugged him back, and I was all laughing and smiling..so did Alfie..

I couldnt see his face clearly, but he is like a 3-4 months old baby..so adorable, clinging on my belly..hihi..I fed him food..and I hugged him, I kissed him trillion times..I keep on telling him that I love him..and kissed him again and again..and he keep on hugging me very tightly..and I told him repeatedly.." I want to show you to ur daddy..I want to show you to your daddy..."

But no..no daddy in the dream..It was all me and Alfie..

When I woke up..I felt sooo relieved as if all my rindu yg terbuku dihati selama ni..has been lifted and I felt satisfied as if I had really hugged my baby...

Yes..I think I really did! I hugged him..I hugged my baby..

Tq Alfie for coming..tq for hugging mommy..tq for all the laughs, the chuckles, the kiss, the touch that I looong been wanting to feel..tq Alfie sayang..mommy misses you like always angel.. :)

DURIAN

emmm..teringin nye makan durian.. : (

Mommy loves you..

wow..this lady has done a perfect job, writing down my exact feeling, that I have been feeling for nearly a year now.. yesss, exactly..when I read this, it is like reading my own thoughts..

I guess, all mothers who has the experience of losing her babies, must be feeling the same..the guilt and the sadness.. Pls read this, mb you could understand more how exactly I feel losing alfie..

"To my baby- A Prayer from mommy…

Please feed my baby when he is hungry, God… Mommy can't do it right now.
And when he is sleepy, God, please hold him and sing him a song… mommy can't do it right now.When it is bath time, please wash his face, God, and kiss him when it's clean.
Make sure to put lotion on him and comb his soft hair because mommy can't do it right now.
When you hold him in Your arms, God, kiss him on his little nose, for mommy can't do it right now. When he smiles, smile back. When he laughs, laugh with him. When he hurts, please help him because mommy cant do it right now.

I am so sorry for what mommy has done. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you from harm and hurt. I took you from the safest place you could be. I took your life, but not your soul.

You were torn apart inside me and flushed down the drain. Your arms and legs torn and mangled… your little arms and legs that mommy should have kissed and put lotion on.
Your feet that mommy should have put little socks on. Your small hands that mommy would wipe off after lunch, and would pull my hair. Your little heart that should beat strong, day and night while you explored your new world, until you would grow old and God would take you up to His house.

I would give anything. I wish I could stop breathing for eternity, to give you your first breath. Mommy wanted to die with you so I could go to heaven and hold you. But mommy can't do it right now.

Alfie,

I love you right now
I miss you right now
I want to hold you right now
I'm empty right now
I'm sad and I'm crying right now
Please forgive me, I hate myself.
I am sorry I didn't realize how much I love you until it was too late.

love FOREVER, Mommy


Alfie..I love you so much..Pls forgive me..Im so scared to face every 19th of the month..Coz the memories of having you and letting you go, are still so fresh in my mind..

And now when I started to ganti my puasa, everything become sooo crystal clear in my mind, I was having you last puasa month..and you was a super kind, nice and strong baby, u never gave me any trouble, no morning sickness, no dizziness..

and every night, even after a looooong lonely cries from mommy, you always stayed calm inside me..and every night, u always listened to mommy's voice, telling you how much I love you and wishing you had a great day today in mommy's belly..remember how I always asked you, what game did u play today? remember how I always convinced you that mommy was not crying because of your presence? remember how mommy always prays that you always happy with mommy?
Remember when mommy put her bed sheet under her shirt, and pretended that was all her big round tummy with you all grown up, fully developed inside her??
Remember that sayang??? Oh God..there is no word to describe, just how exactly what I felt, how the lost has taken away all my happiness.. God, I seek for your help..

I tried to hold strong, to stay composed, to act happy... Just give me a taste of life back..

yeayyy

yeayyyy...just in case u dont know..that is alfie's father..look at the picture...

Smiley Face :)

Today is another great day.. :) :) :)

-First, I managed to get up in the morning feeling all fresh and new.
-Second, I had my bertanggas session which really gives me super wonderful feelings..( oh, u know how that thing really can make u feel different..SS, we surely goin there once u r back)
-Third, I learnt that we can't change people, but we can choose to ignore them..
-Fourth, I received a great sms from a friend that really touches my heart and made me realized that I am so blessed in life.
-Fifth, I am thrilled to know that someone is missing me :)
-Sixth, I read an article that has given me the answer to my loooong unaswered question :


One day, a professor asked his students 'Why do we SHOUT instead of speak when we are ANGRY?'
All the students thought for a while. One answered 'Because we lost our cool. That's why we SHOUT.'
Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you, why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'
Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.

Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.' 'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...'

'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?'

'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'
'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.

'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.

********************************************

Now I know why sometimes I shout at the ppl I love.. and now I know why my loved ones shouted at me before..

See, this is a proof of how emotions play a major part in our lives... We can't ignore emotions..we just have to learn to understand them better.

5 and counting.. :)

wat a day :)

5 people told me that I look slim today.. hahah..must be the baju right..

But definitely they have made my day more colorful..

Thank you people.. muah muaaahh..

Detox

When nights become too quiet, I cant help it to feel lonely.

Loneliness is the most fearful disease (to me atleast, or to those single ladies out there, who's trying hard to stay strong), which could change one's perception, thinking, moods, and life. So I have been trying to fight this disease for years..and I could say that, I did well..

Until lately, even after the joyous nites of head banging and stuffed gossips, I still came back feeling empty, and the silence, and the darkness of the nights..they are just sooo cruel to me..

Every night, like a little ritual that I perform at my small little balcony.. I would just sit there, looking at the sky, counting the stars, sniffing the air that once I found so breathtaking, and with mute surrounding..my mind wanders around, thinking of how did I get here today, what my past has brought me into, and what my future holds for me..

With my detox-ing ritual every night, I think I have found a key to my emptiness. That key, I will use to open a new side of my life...and may god will always be with me..to brighten up my days whenever it gets blurry.. Insyallah.. :)

Change of Name

LOML is now known as QCM

I cannot sleep...

I tried..I closed my sleepy eyes for an hour, switched off the light, total darkness..I wear a cotton clean nighty, I smell good, brushed my teeth, washed my face and feet. Recited my doa and positioned myself like my normal sleeping position. Switched on my aircond 1 hour before entering the room, my comforter is thick,pluffy pillows, clean and smells fresh.. But still I couldnt sleep...

T.H.E.M!

Terima Kasih Ustaz

Petang tadi tergesa- gesa balik semula ke office, sebab rase tak sempat nak solat asar kat umah..ye lah, tengok- tengok jam, dah pukul 6.55 petang..

Terus ke surau, rupa rupanya kelas agama ustaz petang ni..dah lama tak jenguk, dah lama tak dengar masjlis ilmu sebegini..terus aku ambik wuduk dan teruskan solat asar, walau jam dah tunjuk pukul 7.10 mlm..ustaz teruskan kelas tajwidnya..selepas solat..aku terus sahaja terhibur dengar keletah nye berdakwah sambil buat kelakar..memang ustaz tu bagus, lembut, lancar dan senang bicaranya..

Teringat waktu dulu, setiap minggu aku ikuti kelas tajwid, baca jugaklah 2 atau 3 baris ayat Al-Quran tu, dan dibetulkan jugak tajwid ku yg tunggang langgang tu.. hari ni, aku masih seperti dulu dulu..tak lancar lancar lagi bacaan Al-quran ku..padahal..itu yang wajib..bukan English, bukan bahasa lain..Nape lah kita ambik mudah semua ni kan??

Berbalik pada ustaz, dia mula bercerita pasal pertuturan kita sesame manusia.Katanye, dalam pertuturan harian kita, banyak kita gunakan bahasa- bahasa negatif..Terus terasa kena pada batang hidung sendiri..haah, btul tu..makin kerap pulak aku gunakan bahasa- bahasa yg tak sedap didengar tu..tak bagus kan..

Ustaz bicara lagi,katanya malaikat di sebelah kanan dan kiri kita, tidak tau bahasa perli, bahasa sinis, bahasa mengajuk atau bahasa kias..bile kita menyebut perkataan negatif walau untuk perli kawan kita atau secara sinis, tetap padanya satu kesalahan..jadi terpalit juga dosa, tanpa kita sedari..

Katanya lagi..kita patut ubah yg negatif pada positif..contohnya..dari kata bodoh, katakan saja..bijak sungguh si polan ni.. gantikan perkataan bahalul, nakal, bodoh, dah setaraf dengannya dgn perkataan yg positif dan sedap didengar..

Terus hati ku berkata..ya, umur dah 30 tahun, tapi tak reti lagi nak kawal bahasa terutama ketika marah..masih lagi sebut perkataan yg tak elok..pada orang orang yg rapat dan aku sayangi pulak tu..

Jadi, hari ni, walau dalam tempoh 10 minit aku di majlis ilmu, aku dapat belajar sesuatu dan seperti Allah berikan aku hidayah, terus aku bertekad, aku tidak mahu menggunakan bahasa2 kasar ini lagi,cukup cukuplah aku menyakiti hati kenalan, saudara dan orang-orang yang aku sayangi ni..dan untuk sekian lama, tadi aku dapat bersolat magrib berjemaah..

Tenang dan gembira sungguh aku hari ni.. :)

LOML-de definition

I have never written about what happened between me and LOML. It strikes me to write about the two of us after I repeatedly said that I don’t expect a perfect guy nor a perfect marriage..It is all about effort.

Same goes in all my relationships..I have no intention to walk thru my memory lane about other Exs that I have, but I have one in particular which I would like to share. LOML has been in my life long enough to fill in all the holes that once were in my heart, to give me the answers to my questions about life, to give me a taste of being loved, and to give me a touch of motherhood.

LOML- it is an abbreviation of Love Of My Life. Been alive for 30 years, and he is my LOML.. He is still even until today..till I find someone that could take that trophy from him of coz.. :)

It is not good now between me n LOML. Even there was no word like breaking up or what so ever..but I do have the feelings that it will not work out this time (we have been trying to get rid of each other for so many times, but we keep on getting back together..like a magnet and a needle)

(Just a side track – that is why he earned that name-LOML- coz despite what happened between us.. who ever came intruding along the way, whatever obstacle, we still find that the love is still there..The love just don’t leave us..)

But all that heartbreaking episodes do change us bit by bit..Sometimes we became sour to each other, and self healing is a regular practice med for myself..Warmth hugs, eyes to eyes, tears to tears wiping dramas have ended abruptly..whenever we had an argument, sometimes after few solid days, then only we spent time to talk about the issue..And all of us know, that is not a way to handle anger or disappointments.. well, LOML always have other priority which is more important than solving, confronting or pujukking me..

Enough of that, my point is.. We are drifting apart further day by day..

It started for quiet sometimes already, since QC repeatedly comes and goes as she pleases..It became even more tense when Alfie came into the picture. Everything changed..everything changed from bright to dark, from happy to sad, from joy to sorrow..We keep on hurting each other, be it with words or with actions. It is very sad for me to see the most beautiful thing I ever had in my life change to a less beautiful knot..

It is so frustrating to see the perfect guy I loved has changed to someone who is no longer sensitive over my feelings, no longer care to know, and no longer bother to cherish the relationship.

Why did I manage to coop with all these for 6 years? And why can’t I see the same man I used to see?

Because, the man I knew last time, was never tired to show effort, never knew the word stop, never stopped to make me smile, and couldn’t bear to see a single drop of my tears. But that man has changed to a man which I barely know..This new person is no longer my sweet, caring man I used to have. This new person seems to forget all the memories, be it sweet, touching, or bitter memories..have forgotten the sacrifices and all the ‘gifts’ I poured him..

This new man, has not been putting efforts..to him, my expectations were too high to be reached. Am I emotionally high maintenance (quoted from SS)?

NO..I have been lowering my expectation after knowing him..fully understood that he has certain constraints..I don’t even have any expectations sometimes..But of coz, on certain dates, special dates..One day from 365 of his precious days..I have the right to be demanding, because I need to see the effort that I have loooooooong waited. That EFFORT is all I look for in a relationship..never asked for more.

But I can see that the word ‘effort’ seems to disappear from his life’s vocab. That is one thing that keep our relationship work.. That is the reason why I don’t see me and him together again, coz he doesn’t put the same cut of effort anymore..

Baby..it is never easy for me to hold to what we had, never easy for me to climb up again from every fall, never been easy for me to pick up the pieces of my heart every time you smashed it, never been easy for me to heal from the wound that you keep on pressing..never been easy..never once been easy. .

You are flying away...away from me..

The Realist Vs The Dreamer

SS is right..I’m a realist, and not a dreamer..Not that I don’t want to dream, but to dream over something is to put some level of hope and expectations. I do dream..I have my dreams to own a bigger house, I dream to drive a Beamer one day, I dream to be a super mom..a hot mama, a stylo wife, a superb woman, a successful business lady..yes, I do dream..I do fantasize..

But not like SS, who is sure and determine to have her knight in shining armour, I am not as brave as her..not as strong as her, to have even a slightest expectation or hope to finding perfect love, or, marriage.

Maybe due to my constant disappointment in life has made who I am today. Started when I was a lot younger, being the youngest in a group of very competitive siblings is never easy. I would be the last to arrive in any races, would be the last to get the answer to a simple math quiz, would be the last to know how to read.. Those definitely not by choices, but nothing I could do differently at that moment..Of coz I dreamt to win every time..I was far too young to compete in a race, far too small to understand Math or English..

Since then I learnt that I should not dream of the impossible. Because dreams would hurt you..dreams have hurt me so badly..And I don’t dare to dream of things which is beyond my control..Love and marriage are two example..Until now, I don’t dare to dream of how would my perfect guy be, and what theme should I have for my wedding..and how a perfect marriage feels like..I don’t dare to dream..

Being me, I know myself well..I will put effort to make everything be near perfect, but if it doesn’t work..It’s ok, coz I know I have put my effort into it. I never asked for a perfect guy, maybe that is why I felt in love with a man with a full baggage with him..Some asked, even he once asked..Why did I accept him? Yes, I do know that he is not perfect..and I accepted..because I never dream to have a perfect guy with me, just him putting a nice gesture, a simple effort from him, is already perfect for me..Never asked him anything more than his effort..For me, the rest is so subjective to weight.. (example, your rich bf could give you a solid solitaire, but your anak org biasa bf could only give you cincin belah rotan, is that make the rich bf better?) It’s how much effort they put to get that ring that matters. It is all about effort.. And just by putting effort, that will make me happy and that is already perfect for me.

I don’t expect more, be it, in love, in live, or in marriage, because the perfectness of those couldn’t be measured. And that is why I don’t dream of a perfect love or marriage. But of course, both parties should be putting the same amount of effort to make it work..and as long as I know that my other half is putting the same cut in the plate..I am totally ok with it. :)

SS, I am so envy that you could dream of all that super nice, and super perfect episodes especially that knight in shining armour part.. I really do..Since I don’t dare to dream, allow me to just pick up the excitement from your dream yah.. Those dreams are for strong people like you..not some coward like me...you go gal! just dont forget to share with me..I'll be waiting for more..hehe

...

here comes june.. 30th has passed us..It will always be a date to be remembered..and supposedly to be shared. But I guess, this date is no longer significant as it just passed by unnoticed..
For some, it is easy to forget..