LOML-de definition

I have never written about what happened between me and LOML. It strikes me to write about the two of us after I repeatedly said that I don’t expect a perfect guy nor a perfect marriage..It is all about effort.

Same goes in all my relationships..I have no intention to walk thru my memory lane about other Exs that I have, but I have one in particular which I would like to share. LOML has been in my life long enough to fill in all the holes that once were in my heart, to give me the answers to my questions about life, to give me a taste of being loved, and to give me a touch of motherhood.

LOML- it is an abbreviation of Love Of My Life. Been alive for 30 years, and he is my LOML.. He is still even until today..till I find someone that could take that trophy from him of coz.. :)

It is not good now between me n LOML. Even there was no word like breaking up or what so ever..but I do have the feelings that it will not work out this time (we have been trying to get rid of each other for so many times, but we keep on getting back together..like a magnet and a needle)

(Just a side track – that is why he earned that name-LOML- coz despite what happened between us.. who ever came intruding along the way, whatever obstacle, we still find that the love is still there..The love just don’t leave us..)

But all that heartbreaking episodes do change us bit by bit..Sometimes we became sour to each other, and self healing is a regular practice med for myself..Warmth hugs, eyes to eyes, tears to tears wiping dramas have ended abruptly..whenever we had an argument, sometimes after few solid days, then only we spent time to talk about the issue..And all of us know, that is not a way to handle anger or disappointments.. well, LOML always have other priority which is more important than solving, confronting or pujukking me..

Enough of that, my point is.. We are drifting apart further day by day..

It started for quiet sometimes already, since QC repeatedly comes and goes as she pleases..It became even more tense when Alfie came into the picture. Everything changed..everything changed from bright to dark, from happy to sad, from joy to sorrow..We keep on hurting each other, be it with words or with actions. It is very sad for me to see the most beautiful thing I ever had in my life change to a less beautiful knot..

It is so frustrating to see the perfect guy I loved has changed to someone who is no longer sensitive over my feelings, no longer care to know, and no longer bother to cherish the relationship.

Why did I manage to coop with all these for 6 years? And why can’t I see the same man I used to see?

Because, the man I knew last time, was never tired to show effort, never knew the word stop, never stopped to make me smile, and couldn’t bear to see a single drop of my tears. But that man has changed to a man which I barely know..This new person is no longer my sweet, caring man I used to have. This new person seems to forget all the memories, be it sweet, touching, or bitter memories..have forgotten the sacrifices and all the ‘gifts’ I poured him..

This new man, has not been putting efforts..to him, my expectations were too high to be reached. Am I emotionally high maintenance (quoted from SS)?

NO..I have been lowering my expectation after knowing him..fully understood that he has certain constraints..I don’t even have any expectations sometimes..But of coz, on certain dates, special dates..One day from 365 of his precious days..I have the right to be demanding, because I need to see the effort that I have loooooooong waited. That EFFORT is all I look for in a relationship..never asked for more.

But I can see that the word ‘effort’ seems to disappear from his life’s vocab. That is one thing that keep our relationship work.. That is the reason why I don’t see me and him together again, coz he doesn’t put the same cut of effort anymore..

Baby..it is never easy for me to hold to what we had, never easy for me to climb up again from every fall, never been easy for me to pick up the pieces of my heart every time you smashed it, never been easy for me to heal from the wound that you keep on pressing..never been easy..never once been easy. .

You are flying away...away from me..