Mommy loves you..

wow..this lady has done a perfect job, writing down my exact feeling, that I have been feeling for nearly a year now.. yesss, exactly..when I read this, it is like reading my own thoughts..

I guess, all mothers who has the experience of losing her babies, must be feeling the same..the guilt and the sadness.. Pls read this, mb you could understand more how exactly I feel losing alfie..

"To my baby- A Prayer from mommy…

Please feed my baby when he is hungry, God… Mommy can't do it right now.
And when he is sleepy, God, please hold him and sing him a song… mommy can't do it right now.When it is bath time, please wash his face, God, and kiss him when it's clean.
Make sure to put lotion on him and comb his soft hair because mommy can't do it right now.
When you hold him in Your arms, God, kiss him on his little nose, for mommy can't do it right now. When he smiles, smile back. When he laughs, laugh with him. When he hurts, please help him because mommy cant do it right now.

I am so sorry for what mommy has done. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you from harm and hurt. I took you from the safest place you could be. I took your life, but not your soul.

You were torn apart inside me and flushed down the drain. Your arms and legs torn and mangled… your little arms and legs that mommy should have kissed and put lotion on.
Your feet that mommy should have put little socks on. Your small hands that mommy would wipe off after lunch, and would pull my hair. Your little heart that should beat strong, day and night while you explored your new world, until you would grow old and God would take you up to His house.

I would give anything. I wish I could stop breathing for eternity, to give you your first breath. Mommy wanted to die with you so I could go to heaven and hold you. But mommy can't do it right now.

Alfie,

I love you right now
I miss you right now
I want to hold you right now
I'm empty right now
I'm sad and I'm crying right now
Please forgive me, I hate myself.
I am sorry I didn't realize how much I love you until it was too late.

love FOREVER, Mommy


Alfie..I love you so much..Pls forgive me..Im so scared to face every 19th of the month..Coz the memories of having you and letting you go, are still so fresh in my mind..

And now when I started to ganti my puasa, everything become sooo crystal clear in my mind, I was having you last puasa month..and you was a super kind, nice and strong baby, u never gave me any trouble, no morning sickness, no dizziness..

and every night, even after a looooong lonely cries from mommy, you always stayed calm inside me..and every night, u always listened to mommy's voice, telling you how much I love you and wishing you had a great day today in mommy's belly..remember how I always asked you, what game did u play today? remember how I always convinced you that mommy was not crying because of your presence? remember how mommy always prays that you always happy with mommy?
Remember when mommy put her bed sheet under her shirt, and pretended that was all her big round tummy with you all grown up, fully developed inside her??
Remember that sayang??? Oh God..there is no word to describe, just how exactly what I felt, how the lost has taken away all my happiness.. God, I seek for your help..

I tried to hold strong, to stay composed, to act happy... Just give me a taste of life back..