GarDen of MemORieS

2011-01-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

my mistake is to love you.

K.I.S.S

2010-12-31T01:30:00.004+08:00

yes..I miss that too. But this time, I'm not gonna talk about my hot steamy kiss..just writing down a K.I.S.S note to d love of my life.

"Thank you a million for d superb dinner, for d great conversation and for the great company..you give me joy n happiness even in the shortest time we shared. I really appreciate your effort n time that you spent with me tonite. It is our 50th mths anniversary, and as special as the renowned Jubli Emas..you made it special just for being here with me..thank you, thank you thank you.. Happy new year to my beloved comelest..you will always be my fireworks where ever u are.."

p/s- even in la parisss..or bostannnn... :)

Be with the one that you could not live without

2010-12-27T00:39:00.003+08:00

It has been a while that I have stopped writing. I wanted to just live my life and be normal and happy just like others. Feeling has been bottled up, thoughts have been piling up. It is not as easy as one could say..or one could see..

It is right when people say.."Be with the one that you could not live without". But now, I am forced to live against this saying. I am forced to accept that I could live a better life, happier life without him, the love of my life. How could I live? how could I be happier? How could this be better for me?

God knows how much I've tried to hold to the statement "I'll be better without him, I'll be happier, I'll be much loved". God knows how much I wanted it to be true. But I'm only human..I'm still the girl who believe that her love is her life..I'm still the girl who stupidly believe that love conquers all..I'm still the girl, who believe that her first kiss is for the love of her life.

I am still a girl that hold to memories to keep her alive, I am still a girl who wishes to be loved. I am still a girl who wishes that her boy will love her back unconditionally.

It is hard to love, it is even harder to let go of a true love.. he is my true love. I love him for what he is, love him for what he is not. Love him for his perfection, love him even more for his imperfection. Love him for his charistma, loves him for his every weaknesses.

Loves him when he snored, loves him when his tummy couldnt stand spicy food, loves him when his hair looks messy, loves him, when he fell asleep just in the count of three. loves his smell in the morning, loves his smell in the afternoon, loves his smell in d nites..

Love him when he hold my hands so tightly till it hurts, love him for driving recklessly, love him for walking fast, love him for his precious 2 hours, love him even when I knew he lied, love him even he has broken my heart repeatedly. Love him so much it is beyond words..

Reaffirmation: To live AGAINST the saying above is HARD.

So pls say that "I'll have a better and happier life" again.. Could you?

i miss you..

2010-06-29T21:32:00.002+08:00

things are no longer beautiful as before..it is definitely real when people say that love fades, sparks get dimmer, feelings change..

i missed the moment when we cared abt each other, when we excitedly find chances to be together..when we created the time, just to say hello..and how we planned surprises just to see the look on our faces..

i missed the moment..when there were so many laughters and warmth feelings between us..how your smile made my day, how your voice kept me awake, how your touch comforted me..

how i missed the moment of the former you and the unchanged me..

my words have lost her charm, my voice has lost its sweetness..so, i can only say it here..i miss you..i really do..

one small gesture does make a difference

2010-06-14T19:18:00.002+08:00

I still remember the day I received 12 dozens of flowers..roses, carnations, tulips, and flowers that I don’t even know the names..they were delivered to my home, received by my parents coz I was away in Malacca. The next day, I rushed back to my hometown, and to see my living hall, full of blossom flowers..it was like a flower shop.. I was speechless and I definitely happy..there was a card waiting to be opened too..and in the card..there were words that forever will be kept in my mind..thanks to him..for making me happy even he was far far away..isnt it sweet? it does feel soooo sweet..

I remember the day I received 21 red roses, hand delivered to me by a very great man..that was the 1st roses he gave me but definitely not the last one..21 roses resembles the day me and him started as a couple..and on every 21st of the months, we celebrated it with joy..receiving great notes, hand made cards, beautiful poems, surprised dinners, great gifts, all were done with love.. am I lucky? Damn I am lucky to have those memories crafted in my heart..

It was a sunny day, I was lepaking at home with frens.. I received a call from a man, whom I had not seen for a while..coz we were separated my few states.. I jumped of joy wanted to enter my room, for better privacy..he asked to look out over my window..and to my surprise, there he was with a lovely smile a man could have, standing at the gate waving at me.. there he was, giving me a surprise visit, just after I told him I had a headache and I was all nervous to face my mid term exam. He brought instant smile to my face, he lifted up my world..

I was hungry, and I was alone in my room at the hostel. It was a weekend break after exam, so most of my friends went back home.. I went down to café to get some food..but the café was also closed..so there I was, hungry and alone.. I went back to my room feeling sad.. then he called, saying that he’s on his way back to college..coz he started missing me and he felt bad leaving when he knows that my friends were away. So he came back, brought me food, and accompany me for the whole weekend.. did I ask him to come back or to bring me food? No, I did not. He did it coz he wanted too.. and that’s to me..purely sweet..

Emm, there was a guy, who shared a brief moment with me.. I hardly remember his favorite food, or color..we see each other during weekends coz he was working outstation.. he would drive 5 hours every Friday after work..only to reach his house around midnight, so that he could have breakfast with me on Saturday morning..we then would go to this banana leaf warung..to have our chapatti and teh tarik..and after few months, he bought me a ring and wanted to see my parents..he wanted me to be his forever.. was it sweet? Not to me at that moment..

There was a night which I felt like a princess..he called, asked me to dress up, rang my bell, closed my eyes with his hand to his car..opened the door for me..and there I was..stunned to see petals of roses all over the seat..the seat turned red for once :) I was shocked coz I know how particular he was about tidiness of his car, and now his car has turned to carpet of roses.. he then surprised me with another bouquet of red roses and a beautifully wrapped present. We then went to this villa over looking a lake, with nice music at the background..and definitely good food for dining.. I had such a great time..

In my life, I have received all the sweet things one could have..i have received thousands of flowers..plenty of bouquets..numbers of presents..poems..words that melts..gestures that stays in my heart..those memories will keep me alive and keep me grounded, as sometimes I become forgetful of how fortunate I was and still am.. and even if, god decided not to give me the chance to feel all those anymore, I would not be mad at Him..coz He has given me all..He has made me feel so special..

-ve vs +ve

2010-06-05T00:10:00.003+08:00

can hatred turns to love? is my fear holding me down? could it be a beautiful love story in the making?

you have started making me happy..now i can laugh..not at u, but with you..and now i can smile, whenever i think about u..just like ur prayers that u have shared with me, i too hope for my fear to be gone soon..so that you will be happy too...im not as cold as u think, u know ;) u'll find out..

thanks alfie..

2010-05-09T13:25:00.000+08:00

I'm a stronger mother each day..happy mother's day to me :)

it's your BIG day my love..

2010-05-06T20:05:00.005+08:00

happy birthday ALfie!!

we started rite on time kan..hihi..mommy was so excited getting the plan done..and lucky me, i managed to get everything done on time..so at 12 midnite..me and alfie..blew a blue clown cake together..and snapped some beautiful photos.. :)

I hope u love your prezzie.. :) mommy loves dat so much..1st time i laid eyes on it, i know that i shoud get it for my little baby.. so now..i can hug u anytime i like..and anytime i need u..i know where to find you..mmmmmuuaaaahhhh..

and today, like promised..just you and me..spending time together..nothing else matters..we had fun did'nt we? not to worry my dear..even any other days, u will always be in my heart..i promise you that..and im sure, when my time comes, i will be all excited to go..coz i know, i'll be meeting you..till dat day comes..im here with you..you are never alone..

today is your day baby..and i keep my promise.. :) im so happy.. and alfie, never ever be sad..dunia akhirat..hanya alfie and mommy..takde org lain..jgn fikir psal org lain..org yg tak nak ingat kita, kita tak payah ingat dia..yg penting..alfie happy hari ni kan..mommy pon happy sangat..alfie baby..how i wish i could see you smiling at me now..god knows how i wish i could kiss you and hug you for real..

mommy has done terrible things to you..and i hope dat, you will forgive me coz u shud know dat losing you was the biggest mistake mommy has ever done..i shoud have fought for your rite to see d world..and forever i will be in dat guilt,and forever i will not forgive myself..

alfie sayang..those thing ive done to u, i could never repay..but i promise you one thing, my love is forever with you..in my heart, there's you everywhere..full with your memories,even u were with me for 2 months..but your presence has permanently printed in my heart, my life..i have no regrets spending my precious two months with you..

if mommy would ever become pregnant again,i want you..i want you to choose me again..and be born healtily..and happily spending the rest of your life with me..pls choose me again, pls give me the chance to make it up to you, pls give me the chance to love, to hug, to kiss, to pamper you in this world..plsss..pls choose me coz that would be the real gift for me..no other gift, no other thing that i want..i just want you back..

alfie, ppl mite say dat ive gone crazy to do all this..they dont understand, i am all centered and definitely not crazy to do all this, to plan all this, to be wanting all this..i am not carried away, i am just totally missing you like crazy, and love you whole heartedly.. i want you to know dat..

alfie sayang..there is no ending to what i want to say to you, to describe my love to you..to let you know that how empty my life is witout you..there's always things to say to you..u know rite..u know all that rite..

baby..today is your day, dont be sad..dari dulu sampai skrng..hanya alfie n mommy..and it will remain that way..no one can be in our circle anymore, we have given enough space, enough time for him to be part of us..but he never wants to be inside..so my love, we have been pulling him to be part of us..but he refused..that is his choice..he has made that choice, nothing else we can do...but it doesnt matter rite..coz you and me, that's all matters.. :)

alfie sayang, i'll make sure that my love will make you the happiest boy in heaven :) and alfie..keep smiling..and be happy..u deserve it..

tight hugs, thousand kisses, millions of happy thoughts, sincerest love, never ending hope and prayers for your happiness... :) happy 1st birthday sayang..

your mommy..

alfie..my son..

2010-05-04T19:09:00.003+08:00

it's getting nearer to your day baby..and my thoughts are full of you..it seems impossible to not be thinking about you..i love it coz it makes me feel so close to you..i dreamt abt you last nite.. :) thank you for visiting me..u have no idea how dat made me feel..

you must have heard my voice dat nite rite..how i wanted you to hug me..and how much i miss you, and how much i wanted to feel you in my arms..thank you alfie..for coming in my dream, you made it so real.. :) you are such a big boy now..and you looked so happy..and that makes me soooo happy..so happy.. :)

we'll blow a cake together tmrw..u and me..i'll be there for you..dont you be sad..we'll celebrate d day no matter where you are..coz you are the most special son i ever had..and you are everything in my life..

even we are in different world..but you never alone..you are always close to me..you are always, always in my mind..in my heart..and you are so special to me..nothing else is above you..i love you so much alfie..so much..

missing you terribly..mommy

2010-05-03T23:22:00.002+08:00

i have planned something very special for you my baby..can't wait for dat day to come..u and me..celebrating your 1st ever birthday..i wish you are here with me..i really do..

my baby will turn 1..

2010-04-06T00:44:00.002+08:00

In one month time..Alfie will be one year old!! :) i love u sayang..

2010-04-02T00:07:00.003+08:00

im tired of being tired..
im tired of being emotionless..

ive tried not to have any feelings about what happenned surrounding me..i chose to be emotionless coz i thought it will make my life simply simple..

but no..i figured tonite that being emotionless is not the answer..by doing that, i was just lying to myself, just a short term escape and temporary relief..

i have started missing myself who forever having emotional roller coaster..so starting tonite,i'm just gonna be myself back..

dont care wat ppl think,dont care wat ppl say, just cant be bothered by all dat..
just gonna look for my happiness..be selfish again..be myself again..

to those who has not been kind to me..go to hell!

am not complaining..

2010-03-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

Today just had me to the max..felt so tired after a loooooong time at work..not complaining..just sharing..

When I’m tired..I wont be able to sleep..funny isn’it? I guess..when I am physically tired, my mind just choose to be part of that too..my mind just couldn’t stop thinking and working..again, not complaining..just sharing how my body and mind works.. :)

Somehow, I couldn’t stop thinking of how good it is to have someone holding me at this point of time..when your body just can’t stop ache-ing..and your mind just need some pause. Someone to just listen to your unspoken tiredness..and be one with it..you understand what I’m saying?

And I just couldn’t stop thinking what I had done wrong..not to have that someone with me now..to hold and to breath with me the air of calmness that would take the exhaustion away from me..what had I done wrong? What have I not done?

Im sure I will feel better if I could just rest and feel his warm arms around me..and listen to his heartbeats…I’m sure I will be in different world..definitely not in this lonely and quiet night.. not complaining..just sharing..

Another question that just popped in my mind..would I change everything that I have now..for something that I don’t have? Would I?

...

2010-03-13T22:13:00.001+08:00

Hi..

It has been a while kan..I have been good,bad,wild,innocent,sad,happy,sweet,fierce, afraid,brave,empty,lonely,contented,lazy,energetic,spirited,emotional,numb,selfish,
friendly,stubborn,passionate,cold…

There is no specific tajuk that I want to share today..just some words,thoughts in my mind..so expect nothing from this..could just be a waste of ur time..

Today, I am feeling so empty..my heart just sank when I listened to some old songs just now, my eyes just filled with tears when I looked at one little toddler excitingly having his ice cream..my smile turned sour when I saw a couple holding hands with big smiles on their faces..wat’s happening to me?

Sometimes..I want everything to stop, so that I can scream and laugh, and smile and cry at the same time…and turn back the time and change everything.. BUT change to wat? I don’t know..i really don’t know.. should I change myself, my expectation, my hope, my dream?

And where is miracles? When can I have my miracle..why do miracle happens to others..and not me? Or I already got them, but I didn’t realize it? Is this called ungrateful? Is it wrong not to feel enough?

Im just tired I guess, to be feeling and to be thinking of all these…yeah..maybe…

I am just very tired.

I told him...

2009-12-03T18:39:00.002+08:00

I finally found my words..which were lost in the tears and the pain. I was too sad, too tired to tie up my thoughts, so I just let the truth passed me by..with ONE hope..the hope of, I will soon forget..
But I was wrong.. I was never healed..It got worse as I have to bear the impression, the disrespect, and the hurtful words by myself..alone..
The truth wears me off.. I hold grudges, and I become bitter and bitter everyday..

And for sooooo long,years long..I have ignored my thoughts coz I was too sad to search for the right words to express what I really felt and what I've really done..Everytime,it was impossible for me to even finish up my thoughts, coz the truth really hurt me..the unbearable pain feels so real everytime my thought lingers the "unspoken truth"..

But today, I'm glad that I told him..He knows now..

Like a narrator telling her story, my words came smoothly and sincerely from my heart..and when he listened, and understood..I felt soo light..I was nearly flying..I felt like my soul has found me back..I've been wanting him to know exactly how I felt..but I never got thru..but today..I know he understands and he appreciates..

That's all I want..to be lifted up from the very bottom, to be free from the "unspoken truth", to be out from the grudges..and to be told, that what I did, was a noble thing..and what I did, he will always be thankful..so that he knows..I'm not an evil person..

Not asking any rewards in return, I just hope that he will always remember "our dear secret"..

he told me..

2009-12-01T19:50:00.002+08:00

he told me..he will still be there

he told me.. he will make me feel secure

he told me..i should be happier

he told me..i should be stronger

he told me.. he will be near

.................................................................

im at the other end.. would he keep his words this time?

I want to forget..

2009-11-24T17:27:00.003+08:00

I’ve been betrayed by the people that I dearly loved and trusted. I hardly can describe how I feel..there is no right words to express the sadness, the pain, the anger that I have inside me.. I’ve been crying, laughing, frowning and smiling, all at once.. I cry for the lost and the love that I had for them, I laugh for what a clown I have been, I frown for the stupidity I own, and I smile in surprise for what had happened.

He made mistakes..he betrayed..he lied..I wish he could turn the clock back and undo all of that. He used to be my everything..All my life was around him..It seems forever that I have been with him..We used to have so much love and happiness..dreams, laughters, smiles, kisses and warmth hugs, we used to have comforting words for each other..That was all so special to me..I never thought all those special thing, he would ever share with others..but I was wrong..I was nothing special..What I thought as special was not as special..easily shared… How stupid I was to even think I was the chosen one..

She loves to flirt..she sees no boundaries..she betrays..She was a friend. She had given me the strengths to face my deepest sadness before. I will not forget. But I will never forget her betrayal too..She has stepped in my territory and claimed that she was only flirting and went a little overboard. “Don’t mess with your best friend’s man”, that’s the unspoken rule that everyone knows..yet, she chose to do just that.. How stupid I was to even think that she was an angel sent from above?

I am the victim of love and trust.. I loved them so much, that I would do anything, anything in this world to make them smile back to me..I loved them so much, that they always come 1st and I, 2nd..

I trusted them so much, until I forgot to ask questions.. I trusted them so much, until I was blind, failed to see their love episodes, that they both acted so well in front of my naked eyes..

and for the years of lies, the “sessions” behind my back, the pretending, the dramas..

I blame myself for surrendering my purest love, attention and care for you..who obviously do not honor that.. I had never loved anyone more, than my love to u ..I had never been so sincere with anyone, like I've been with you..I have never sacrificed to anyone but you..

May God helps me with this, may God helps me thru..

the truth reveals..

2009-11-18T20:49:00.001+08:00

17th nov 2009

The day that I learnt about betrayal. I’ve heard stories about it, but never imagine that I will personally go thru it myself. Today, I found out the true colors of the people around me..who have been hiding and camouflage well in their surroundings.

My ex best buddy has been having relationship with LOML..how outrageous it is, don’t u think?? She knows all about me, how truly I felt about LOML, but still behind my back, she silently stabbing me. I’m not sure what she really wants..what do u want SS?

And now I know..who is the “angel” she wrote about in her blog..how could u, to even published it in your blog, knowing that I will definitely read it..you were talking about my man, mine..suddenly, he becomes your angel..and mr k, im sure u were damn happy to read the post..an open statement from your Julia, it must has really boost up your ego..SS, dont you feel ashamed abt urself? My goodness, you really could give me an heart attack of your true colors..

You really surprised me gal..ur look definitely deceiving enough..and for those men, I mean mr k..she’s definitely your type.. Charming Lawyer, u r definitely blessed..

shut

2009-11-04T20:50:00.002+08:00

have u ever feel like crying without any solid reasons??

dats wat im feeling now..

is crying good or bad?

good > for me tonite

to my best buddy.. im sooooooooo gonna miss u..

090909

2009-09-09T11:22:00.002+08:00

HEY!!!! I LOVE THAT NUMBER...AND I LOOOOOOVE THAT DATE!!!

Hoping to be wiser..happier..and may the wish I made yesterday comes true.. :)

Hope to be more elegant (well, I can't be mature and elegant at 23 yrs old rite, but now being 30..I can finally be one!yahooooooooo), to be beautiful enough to turn the men's heads..(wakakaka..gelak evil), to be successful in what ever I do..to be proud of my accomplishment..to have a respectable number in my savings account.. to be a better daughter..to be a better sister...to be a better fren..

To those who are very dear to my heart (you know who you are!), thank you for being there for me for all the happy and hard times in my life..SS,thanks for the wishes..I got ur sms sharp at 12 midnite, perfect score to u!!

To QCM..tq for all the surprises! you really got me this time..thanks for being there and thanks for the beautiful prezzie..it got me at hello! love them all..I really had a super great time with you!!

To Alfie..i know...i love you sayang..

Enjoy the day people!!! It is supposed to be a great day... :)

It is September again..

2009-09-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

I have good and bad days..and today, is not a good day for me..so many things happened that reminds me of Alfie..I guess today he wants me to remember him..yes my baby..September will never be the same anymore..It was the month that I looked forward to for 29 years..but not anymore..I counted the days to September, and now, when it appears..the pain and the sadness filled my heart..no one would understand..no one cares..

Alfie, today I cried for you..asking you to tell me to become stronger..today, I took your picture out..and thank you..thank you for being there..

No one would understand, and no one could ever feel how I feel about you and what had happened..it is just me and you..and I am telling you..You will always be with me..every single day..the more I tried to heal..the more I felt the pain..so my baby..I will stand the pain..coz I choose to be with you..

Every single day baby..Mommy never forgets to say your name out loud, even no one is there to hear..but I know you hear me saying your name..I love you sayang..so much..

2009-08-31T16:47:00.000+08:00

Sampai bila dia nak mainkan hati ku ini? Sampai bila dia hanya hadir dalam hidupku bila dia rasa aku diperlukan? Sampai bila dia hendak persendakan perasaan ku? Sampai bila dia nak remukkan hati ku? Sampai bila agaknya?

Aku menyesal? Perlu kah aku menjawabnya??

Do you still love me? Itu yang dia tanya.. Ape makna cinta pada dia? Di mana letaknya cinta ku? Semesti nye di aras yang sangat rendah kan..supaya boleh dia pijak-pijak..

Layakkah aku dilayan begini? Haruskah aku menghadapi ini lagi?

Bangga kah aku dengan hidup ku ini? Tidak sama sekali..kosong.

mayday mayday..

2009-08-25T12:33:00.002+08:00

For these few nites, have been dreaming about oceans, waves..and big waves! last 2 nites was d scariest..I dreamt about tsunami..I was with few of my frens..and we were swimming in d ocean..beautiful scenery..we were all laughing and shouting and teasing each other..

Then I decided to walk to the beach..one of my frens followed me..then we found a wall, a thick wall..then we were wondering,why la the wall is here?? Straigtaway, I wanted to tell my other frens which were still swimming..then I saw a very big wave ahead of me..

Automatically, I find cover..standing behind the thick wall..and whoooossshhh, the wave slammed the wall (luckily enough, the wall was really strong)and I could see my other frens were swept away by the raging water...and I was in teribble shock..

The wall has saved me and 1 of my fren..

My alarm clock woke me up at 5.05 am.. since then, I wonder..what is God trying to tell me?

he he he

2009-08-22T17:31:00.003+08:00

As some people say.."Love urself truly, then others will love u unconditionally.."

I believe in that..and I'm learning to love everything about myself..my flaws,my imperfection, my beauty, my body, my potential, my self everyday..

And if anyone sees that I'm beautiful, and can deal with my imperfection..I shouldn't say NO rite..I should just accept it and smile over it..

Mr cayanne is always consistent..and RF is learning..Im trying to open up here..hihih..

Well, terawih together will definitely be fun!!

My new adventure..

2009-08-20T20:34:00.002+08:00

hiii....

So excited to share abt my new adventure..new thrill in my life..jeng jeng jeng...

Who could ever imagine that I would love to do this?
Who would ever think that the queen now is excited and willing to learn abt this?
What in the world has happened to her?
What breaks the spell?

Hahahaha...

Im so thrilled to share that..I CAN COOK!!!! (atleast now I can eat what I cook.. siriusly!)

Started with siang ikan..used to be the most torturing time for me the last time..the smell, the blood, the slimy2 thing..the sisik..eeeuuuuu....and I used to take hoursss...I really mean it..HOURS..until the ikan jadi lembik n all the tulang came out..(no kidding k)

But surprisingly, last few days, I managed to cut the "siang" time tremendeously..and I no longer rasa nak muntah when I smelled the fish...yeayyyyyyy!! I cooked singgang ikan, sotong masak asam (yeaa..1 question..are we supposed to take out the purple color skin off the sotong?), ikan goreng (this one, still tak pass..no doubt the taste was superb, but the process of frying them, really make me thinking whether I should fry ikan again or not..the minyak meletup like gunung berapi marah u know...scary..) and sambal belacan..(a bit masam tho) :)

and yesterday evening, I feel like eating some sweet dessert..bubur cha cha..I went to the shop, and got all d ingredients ready..again to my surprise..the process is sooooooo easy..and the taste????hehehehhe...I love it..every bit of the taste..I would say, I made an excellent bubur cha cha.. :) *smile proudly*

I ate the bubur cha2 for my evening tea yesterday, my bfst this morning, and went I came bck from a super hectic day from office today, the 1st thing I did, was to reheat my bubur..and trus have them straight while berasap asap tu..nice...and now, still left a little portion,the last one..for my supper.. :) happy that it tastes sooooo good, but afraid that I mite not be able to get the same taste again on my 2nd attempt... :(

Am planning to cook some other recipes for my bukak puasa..and mb sahur.. cant wait to cook and let's enjoy ramadhan.. :)

A tribute to an amazing story teller..

2009-07-31T02:21:00.003+08:00

Here I grieved a lost of a great film maker, Y.A. I have never expressed my fondness about her excellent films to anyone, but after knowing that she has left us forever, and the thought that I will not be able to watch her superb work anymore, I think she deserves my two thumbs up for all her work and the joy that she has given me through her stories..

She speaks through her films- honest, blunt and non superficial. That’s what I respected most about her, she was not afraid to speak up the truth, she revealed the reality in the most translucent way.. I adore her truthfulness ..Started with Rabun, she catches my attention, the scene where an old couple still teasing each other and taking their shower together..that really stayed in my heart. Silently, she drew a dream in my mind..Yes, she has planted a dream in me..I want to be like that old couple..loving, conservatively caring, crazily romantic in their own ways, and I do dream to take my shower with my hubby everytime we have the chance.. :)

Then Sepet came along, a love story about a Malay girl with a Chinese boy. I cried over this movie everytime I watched it. She managed to capture my heart again. This time I really felt for the love between Orkid and the boy. I love her way of making the scenes and the love looks so sincere and true. I cried because I know that, that kind of love is the kind of love that I always want to have..but like Orkid, we both lost our greatest love and we have to endure the pain alone all by ourselves..

Gubra..I enjoyed her way of telling the world, that man could be jerks sometimes.. and there’s always hope of finding true love again. She taught me not to be afraid to look back to the worst nightmares, to be brave to face the past and deal with it, to walk the memory lane slowly, then say goodbye to each memories...So then, I will not be afraid to walk tall, and to look for love and be loved again. Just like how Orkid did.

She has indirectly given me the guidance and lights that I needed at that time. She has painted my dreams back. And because of that, she earned my respect, my salute and my prayers..Al-fatihah to her soul, may Allah bless you, my dear story teller..

(And I honestly think that she has lived her life to the fullest, she has a loving husband, a superb career that she enjoy doing, she has the opportunity to share her views, passions and love with the world and let the world see everything through her eyes..I dearly think that, she has a wonderful life..and I am grateful that she was given all that blessing, coz she really deserved it..)

just a piece of my thoughts..

2009-07-30T06:12:00.002+08:00

far and away.alone and confuse.hurt and sick.tired and bored.

Words can create such impacts to me..words are so powerful, that they could create or change my emotion and mood for that day. I do agree with the saying, 'Silence Is Golden'. I do think that I should talk less sometimes..and I do think that people should talk less about me too..Some people are so mean and just say cruel things to satisfy their own emotion's needs, without thinking about how one should feel, and how one should handle it. I want to stay away from this kind of people..too much negativity..too much pain to endure..I give up.

last year..

2009-07-20T05:48:00.002+08:00

Last year..at this same date..I first met Alfie.. :) This time last year, he was selected by Him to be inside me..and even being in unknown place, he was all good, well-mannared baby..No morning sickness, just some back-ache and tiredness..

And I was having difficulty to sleep..that's all..the rest was just perfect..healthy baby, healthy mommy..and due to my restless looong nites, I spent more time talking to Alfie while rubbing my hard belly..so many things we talked about..He listened and I shared every single feelings I had with him..We had great sharing sessions, did'nt we? :)

And now, I'm teribbly missing him..I miss his presence..He left me alone..and I am soooo alone now..I miss having him with me..we were 'we' last time..and now I'm back to 'I' again.. :(

Alfie, tonight I'm gonna sleep with you sayang..I know you'll be there.. :)

Missing you and loving you..always..

Love is when..

2009-07-05T11:23:00.000+08:00

Love is when you look at the person’s eyes but you can see her heart..

Love is when you touch her fingers but you feel like touching her soul..

Love is when with a simple ‘hello’ it could brighten up your day..

Love is when with just a smile, it creates a whole new joy in your heart..

Love is when being apart from each other is like the most torturous punishment ..

Love is when without her voice, your life feels empty..

Love is when with her presence, your life seems so perfect..

Love is when without her around, you feel like something is missing..

Love is when you feel excited even to share about the smallest topic..

Love is when, her words seem so right to your ears..

Love is when, her laughter can lifted up all your sadness..

Love is when with just a hug, she takes away all your headache..

Love is when you can’t live without her..

Do you love someone?

2009-07-02T17:36:00.002+08:00

Do you love someone if you keep hurting her?

Do you love someone if you keep ignoring her?

Do you love someone if you could just dumped her as you please?

Do you love someone if you would only find her when you feel like having a companion?

Do you love someone if for you she is selfish?

Do you love someone if you could say nasty things to her?

Do you love someone if easily you could lose temper and shout at her?

Do you love someone if you do not even care to know whether she’s fine or not?

Do you love someone if you do not even remember her important appointment?

Do you love someone if you could just leave her while she’s in pain?

Do you love someone if you choose to pay no attention to her feelings?

Do you really love that someone???

Is that really love?

My angel came to visit me :)

2009-06-30T23:25:00.003+08:00

Got my durian...and had the best dream of my life last nite!

I hugged Alfie last nite..and we were both so happy..the feeling is undescribable..me and him were in a soooo damn happy mood...he was hugging me very tight and I hugged him back, and I was all laughing and smiling..so did Alfie..

I couldnt see his face clearly, but he is like a 3-4 months old baby..so adorable, clinging on my belly..hihi..I fed him food..and I hugged him, I kissed him trillion times..I keep on telling him that I love him..and kissed him again and again..and he keep on hugging me very tightly..and I told him repeatedly.." I want to show you to ur daddy..I want to show you to your daddy..."

But no..no daddy in the dream..It was all me and Alfie..

When I woke up..I felt sooo relieved as if all my rindu yg terbuku dihati selama ni..has been lifted and I felt satisfied as if I had really hugged my baby...

Yes..I think I really did! I hugged him..I hugged my baby..

Tq Alfie for coming..tq for hugging mommy..tq for all the laughs, the chuckles, the kiss, the touch that I looong been wanting to feel..tq Alfie sayang..mommy misses you like always angel.. :)

DURIAN

2009-06-25T17:34:00.000+08:00

emmm..teringin nye makan durian.. : (

Mommy loves you..

2009-06-24T21:47:00.002+08:00

wow..this lady has done a perfect job, writing down my exact feeling, that I have been feeling for nearly a year now.. yesss, exactly..when I read this, it is like reading my own thoughts..

I guess, all mothers who has the experience of losing her babies, must be feeling the same..the guilt and the sadness.. Pls read this, mb you could understand more how exactly I feel losing alfie..

"To my baby- A Prayer from mommy…

Please feed my baby when he is hungry, God… Mommy can't do it right now.
And when he is sleepy, God, please hold him and sing him a song… mommy can't do it right now.When it is bath time, please wash his face, God, and kiss him when it's clean.
Make sure to put lotion on him and comb his soft hair because mommy can't do it right now.
When you hold him in Your arms, God, kiss him on his little nose, for mommy can't do it right now. When he smiles, smile back. When he laughs, laugh with him. When he hurts, please help him because mommy cant do it right now.

I am so sorry for what mommy has done. I was supposed to keep you safe and protect you from harm and hurt. I took you from the safest place you could be. I took your life, but not your soul.

You were torn apart inside me and flushed down the drain. Your arms and legs torn and mangled… your little arms and legs that mommy should have kissed and put lotion on.
Your feet that mommy should have put little socks on. Your small hands that mommy would wipe off after lunch, and would pull my hair. Your little heart that should beat strong, day and night while you explored your new world, until you would grow old and God would take you up to His house.

I would give anything. I wish I could stop breathing for eternity, to give you your first breath. Mommy wanted to die with you so I could go to heaven and hold you. But mommy can't do it right now.

Alfie,

I love you right now
I miss you right now
I want to hold you right now
I'm empty right now
I'm sad and I'm crying right now
Please forgive me, I hate myself.
I am sorry I didn't realize how much I love you until it was too late.

love FOREVER, Mommy

Alfie..I love you so much..Pls forgive me..Im so scared to face every 19th of the month..Coz the memories of having you and letting you go, are still so fresh in my mind..

And now when I started to ganti my puasa, everything become sooo crystal clear in my mind, I was having you last puasa month..and you was a super kind, nice and strong baby, u never gave me any trouble, no morning sickness, no dizziness..

and every night, even after a looooong lonely cries from mommy, you always stayed calm inside me..and every night, u always listened to mommy's voice, telling you how much I love you and wishing you had a great day today in mommy's belly..remember how I always asked you, what game did u play today? remember how I always convinced you that mommy was not crying because of your presence? remember how mommy always prays that you always happy with mommy?
Remember when mommy put her bed sheet under her shirt, and pretended that was all her big round tummy with you all grown up, fully developed inside her??
Remember that sayang??? Oh God..there is no word to describe, just how exactly what I felt, how the lost has taken away all my happiness.. God, I seek for your help..

I tried to hold strong, to stay composed, to act happy... Just give me a taste of life back..

yeayyy

2009-06-22T16:08:00.000+08:00

yeayyyy...just in case u dont know..that is alfie's father..look at the picture...

Smiley Face :)

2009-06-17T15:22:00.003+08:00

Today is another great day.. :) :) :)

-First, I managed to get up in the morning feeling all fresh and new.
-Second, I had my bertanggas session which really gives me super wonderful feelings..( oh, u know how that thing really can make u feel different..SS, we surely goin there once u r back)
-Third, I learnt that we can't change people, but we can choose to ignore them..
-Fourth, I received a great sms from a friend that really touches my heart and made me realized that I am so blessed in life.
-Fifth, I am thrilled to know that someone is missing me :)
-Sixth, I read an article that has given me the answer to my loooong unaswered question :

One day, a professor asked his students 'Why do we SHOUT instead of speak when we are ANGRY?'
All the students thought for a while. One answered 'Because we lost our cool. That's why we SHOUT.'
Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you, why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'
Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.

Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart. To mask the DISTANCE we felt, we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.' 'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further. So we SHOUT even louder...'

'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears. Why?'

'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart. As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'
'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.

'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart. WAIT a few days. When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.

********************************************

Now I know why sometimes I shout at the ppl I love.. and now I know why my loved ones shouted at me before..

See, this is a proof of how emotions play a major part in our lives... We can't ignore emotions..we just have to learn to understand them better.

5 and counting.. :)

2009-06-16T20:21:00.002+08:00

wat a day :)

5 people told me that I look slim today.. hahah..must be the baju right..

But definitely they have made my day more colorful..

Thank you people.. muah muaaahh..

Detox

2009-06-15T11:21:00.002+08:00

When nights become too quiet, I cant help it to feel lonely.

Loneliness is the most fearful disease (to me atleast, or to those single ladies out there, who's trying hard to stay strong), which could change one's perception, thinking, moods, and life. So I have been trying to fight this disease for years..and I could say that, I did well..

Until lately, even after the joyous nites of head banging and stuffed gossips, I still came back feeling empty, and the silence, and the darkness of the nights..they are just sooo cruel to me..

Every night, like a little ritual that I perform at my small little balcony.. I would just sit there, looking at the sky, counting the stars, sniffing the air that once I found so breathtaking, and with mute surrounding..my mind wanders around, thinking of how did I get here today, what my past has brought me into, and what my future holds for me..

With my detox-ing ritual every night, I think I have found a key to my emptiness. That key, I will use to open a new side of my life...and may god will always be with me..to brighten up my days whenever it gets blurry.. Insyallah.. :)

Change of Name

2009-06-04T20:18:00.001+08:00

LOML is now known as QCM

I cannot sleep...

2009-06-04T00:45:00.000+08:00

I tried..I closed my sleepy eyes for an hour, switched off the light, total darkness..I wear a cotton clean nighty, I smell good, brushed my teeth, washed my face and feet. Recited my doa and positioned myself like my normal sleeping position. Switched on my aircond 1 hour before entering the room, my comforter is thick,pluffy pillows, clean and smells fresh.. But still I couldnt sleep...

T.H.E.M!

Terima Kasih Ustaz

2009-06-03T21:46:00.000+08:00

Petang tadi tergesa- gesa balik semula ke office, sebab rase tak sempat nak solat asar kat umah..ye lah, tengok- tengok jam, dah pukul 6.55 petang..

Terus ke surau, rupa rupanya kelas agama ustaz petang ni..dah lama tak jenguk, dah lama tak dengar masjlis ilmu sebegini..terus aku ambik wuduk dan teruskan solat asar, walau jam dah tunjuk pukul 7.10 mlm..ustaz teruskan kelas tajwidnya..selepas solat..aku terus sahaja terhibur dengar keletah nye berdakwah sambil buat kelakar..memang ustaz tu bagus, lembut, lancar dan senang bicaranya..

Teringat waktu dulu, setiap minggu aku ikuti kelas tajwid, baca jugaklah 2 atau 3 baris ayat Al-Quran tu, dan dibetulkan jugak tajwid ku yg tunggang langgang tu.. hari ni, aku masih seperti dulu dulu..tak lancar lancar lagi bacaan Al-quran ku..padahal..itu yang wajib..bukan English, bukan bahasa lain..Nape lah kita ambik mudah semua ni kan??

Berbalik pada ustaz, dia mula bercerita pasal pertuturan kita sesame manusia.Katanye, dalam pertuturan harian kita, banyak kita gunakan bahasa- bahasa negatif..Terus terasa kena pada batang hidung sendiri..haah, btul tu..makin kerap pulak aku gunakan bahasa- bahasa yg tak sedap didengar tu..tak bagus kan..

Ustaz bicara lagi,katanya malaikat di sebelah kanan dan kiri kita, tidak tau bahasa perli, bahasa sinis, bahasa mengajuk atau bahasa kias..bile kita menyebut perkataan negatif walau untuk perli kawan kita atau secara sinis, tetap padanya satu kesalahan..jadi terpalit juga dosa, tanpa kita sedari..

Katanya lagi..kita patut ubah yg negatif pada positif..contohnya..dari kata bodoh, katakan saja..bijak sungguh si polan ni.. gantikan perkataan bahalul, nakal, bodoh, dah setaraf dengannya dgn perkataan yg positif dan sedap didengar..

Terus hati ku berkata..ya, umur dah 30 tahun, tapi tak reti lagi nak kawal bahasa terutama ketika marah..masih lagi sebut perkataan yg tak elok..pada orang orang yg rapat dan aku sayangi pulak tu..

Jadi, hari ni, walau dalam tempoh 10 minit aku di majlis ilmu, aku dapat belajar sesuatu dan seperti Allah berikan aku hidayah, terus aku bertekad, aku tidak mahu menggunakan bahasa2 kasar ini lagi,cukup cukuplah aku menyakiti hati kenalan, saudara dan orang-orang yang aku sayangi ni..dan untuk sekian lama, tadi aku dapat bersolat magrib berjemaah..

Tenang dan gembira sungguh aku hari ni.. :)

LOML-de definition

2009-06-03T15:00:00.000+08:00

I have never written about what happened between me and LOML. It strikes me to write about the two of us after I repeatedly said that I don’t expect a perfect guy nor a perfect marriage..It is all about effort.

Same goes in all my relationships..I have no intention to walk thru my memory lane about other Exs that I have, but I have one in particular which I would like to share. LOML has been in my life long enough to fill in all the holes that once were in my heart, to give me the answers to my questions about life, to give me a taste of being loved, and to give me a touch of motherhood.

LOML- it is an abbreviation of Love Of My Life. Been alive for 30 years, and he is my LOML.. He is still even until today..till I find someone that could take that trophy from him of coz.. :)

It is not good now between me n LOML. Even there was no word like breaking up or what so ever..but I do have the feelings that it will not work out this time (we have been trying to get rid of each other for so many times, but we keep on getting back together..like a magnet and a needle)

(Just a side track – that is why he earned that name-LOML- coz despite what happened between us.. who ever came intruding along the way, whatever obstacle, we still find that the love is still there..The love just don’t leave us..)

But all that heartbreaking episodes do change us bit by bit..Sometimes we became sour to each other, and self healing is a regular practice med for myself..Warmth hugs, eyes to eyes, tears to tears wiping dramas have ended abruptly..whenever we had an argument, sometimes after few solid days, then only we spent time to talk about the issue..And all of us know, that is not a way to handle anger or disappointments.. well, LOML always have other priority which is more important than solving, confronting or pujukking me..

Enough of that, my point is.. We are drifting apart further day by day..

It started for quiet sometimes already, since QC repeatedly comes and goes as she pleases..It became even more tense when Alfie came into the picture. Everything changed..everything changed from bright to dark, from happy to sad, from joy to sorrow..We keep on hurting each other, be it with words or with actions. It is very sad for me to see the most beautiful thing I ever had in my life change to a less beautiful knot..

It is so frustrating to see the perfect guy I loved has changed to someone who is no longer sensitive over my feelings, no longer care to know, and no longer bother to cherish the relationship.

Why did I manage to coop with all these for 6 years? And why can’t I see the same man I used to see?

Because, the man I knew last time, was never tired to show effort, never knew the word stop, never stopped to make me smile, and couldn’t bear to see a single drop of my tears. But that man has changed to a man which I barely know..This new person is no longer my sweet, caring man I used to have. This new person seems to forget all the memories, be it sweet, touching, or bitter memories..have forgotten the sacrifices and all the ‘gifts’ I poured him..

This new man, has not been putting efforts..to him, my expectations were too high to be reached. Am I emotionally high maintenance (quoted from SS)?

NO..I have been lowering my expectation after knowing him..fully understood that he has certain constraints..I don’t even have any expectations sometimes..But of coz, on certain dates, special dates..One day from 365 of his precious days..I have the right to be demanding, because I need to see the effort that I have loooooooong waited. That EFFORT is all I look for in a relationship..never asked for more.

But I can see that the word ‘effort’ seems to disappear from his life’s vocab. That is one thing that keep our relationship work.. That is the reason why I don’t see me and him together again, coz he doesn’t put the same cut of effort anymore..

Baby..it is never easy for me to hold to what we had, never easy for me to climb up again from every fall, never been easy for me to pick up the pieces of my heart every time you smashed it, never been easy for me to heal from the wound that you keep on pressing..never been easy..never once been easy. .

You are flying away...away from me..

The Realist Vs The Dreamer

2009-06-02T18:48:00.000+08:00

SS is right..I’m a realist, and not a dreamer..Not that I don’t want to dream, but to dream over something is to put some level of hope and expectations. I do dream..I have my dreams to own a bigger house, I dream to drive a Beamer one day, I dream to be a super mom..a hot mama, a stylo wife, a superb woman, a successful business lady..yes, I do dream..I do fantasize..

But not like SS, who is sure and determine to have her knight in shining armour, I am not as brave as her..not as strong as her, to have even a slightest expectation or hope to finding perfect love, or, marriage.

Maybe due to my constant disappointment in life has made who I am today. Started when I was a lot younger, being the youngest in a group of very competitive siblings is never easy. I would be the last to arrive in any races, would be the last to get the answer to a simple math quiz, would be the last to know how to read.. Those definitely not by choices, but nothing I could do differently at that moment..Of coz I dreamt to win every time..I was far too young to compete in a race, far too small to understand Math or English..

Since then I learnt that I should not dream of the impossible. Because dreams would hurt you..dreams have hurt me so badly..And I don’t dare to dream of things which is beyond my control..Love and marriage are two example..Until now, I don’t dare to dream of how would my perfect guy be, and what theme should I have for my wedding..and how a perfect marriage feels like..I don’t dare to dream..

Being me, I know myself well..I will put effort to make everything be near perfect, but if it doesn’t work..It’s ok, coz I know I have put my effort into it. I never asked for a perfect guy, maybe that is why I felt in love with a man with a full baggage with him..Some asked, even he once asked..Why did I accept him? Yes, I do know that he is not perfect..and I accepted..because I never dream to have a perfect guy with me, just him putting a nice gesture, a simple effort from him, is already perfect for me..Never asked him anything more than his effort..For me, the rest is so subjective to weight.. (example, your rich bf could give you a solid solitaire, but your anak org biasa bf could only give you cincin belah rotan, is that make the rich bf better?) It’s how much effort they put to get that ring that matters. It is all about effort.. And just by putting effort, that will make me happy and that is already perfect for me.

I don’t expect more, be it, in love, in live, or in marriage, because the perfectness of those couldn’t be measured. And that is why I don’t dream of a perfect love or marriage. But of course, both parties should be putting the same amount of effort to make it work..and as long as I know that my other half is putting the same cut in the plate..I am totally ok with it. :)

SS, I am so envy that you could dream of all that super nice, and super perfect episodes especially that knight in shining armour part.. I really do..Since I don’t dare to dream, allow me to just pick up the excitement from your dream yah.. Those dreams are for strong people like you..not some coward like me...you go gal! just dont forget to share with me..I'll be waiting for more..hehe

...

2009-06-01T11:13:00.000+08:00

here comes june.. 30th has passed us..It will always be a date to be remembered..and supposedly to be shared. But I guess, this date is no longer significant as it just passed by unnoticed..
For some, it is easy to forget..

children..

2009-05-31T18:30:00.000+08:00

Children..Kids..Babies..Nephews..Nieces..

It's a miracle how they can make you feel..so much love that you want to share with them..they always can make you smile..they are hilarious in their own ways....I just love being with them..they can swipe away your sadness and replace it with such a beautiful feeling -contentment..

Yesterday, I found out that my 4 yrs old niece is now able to read..as fluently as her 7 yr old brother.. And being the most sporting, loving aunty but yet a 'guru besar' when it comes to academic, I tested both of them.. And to my pleasant surprise, they read to me a whole story book fluently in British accent..I was so happy that my eyes were full with tears, as I saw two growing children in front of me..I saw them at birth..I taught them abc, I remember how they jumbled all the alphabets and nearly made me giving up on them..and now they are all grown up..and they are brilliant!!!! :)

Honestly, I am so proud of them.. And today..I have bought them 6 more new story books.. I hope they will love the books..and I will still be looking for good books for them..I am so excited seeing them growing up..to see what new things they can do, new abilities they can master, new skills that they uphold..

My dearest beautiful darlings..You all have made me as one proud aunty!!! really.. I love you all sooooooooo much..and I want to see more... :p

Love... forever..

self exposed..hehe

2009-05-29T09:51:00.000+08:00

I have been wanting to do this..hehe..but there's some reasons dat stopped me for doing so..
BUT i can definitely do this in my own blog..yahooooo..

The RULES:Bold the statements that are true to you. Italic the statements that you WISH are true. Leave the Fibs alone. The LIST to Bold/Italic/Just-let-it-be:

• I miss somebody right now.
• I don't watch TV these days.
• I own lots of magazines.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I've tried marijuana.
• I have been in a threesome.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
• I curse sometimes.
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. ( so much..it's a normal life process rite??) -ayat nak sedapkan hati.. :)
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I'm totally smart. (I'm smarter than some ppl..I wish to be totally smart in everything tho..)
• I've broken someone's bones.
• I'm paranoid sometimes.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. (still - NO WAY !!)
• I need money right now. ( Who does'nt?)
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn't survive without Caller I.D
• I like the way I look.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I have a hidden talent. (yess, not only dat, I always dream to have super power :D)
• I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am currently single.
• I have pecked someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
• I love to shop. (It's the best ever invented activity..hehe)
• I enjoy window shopping ( It's a superb therapy!)
• I would rather shop then eat. ( hehehe)
• I don't hate anyone. I dislike them. ( I hate them)
• I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have a cell phone.
• I believe in God.
• I watch MTV on a daily basis.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
• I've rejected someone before.
• I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future. (Of coz,kalo tak sape nak pakai nama2 mommy dah pick up tu... :) )
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I've called the cops on a friend before.
• I'm not allergic to anything.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
• I am shy around the opposite sex.
• I have tried alcohol before.
• I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the "South Park" movie.
• I would die for my best friends.
• I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza. ( Domino's better..)
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all. (hahaha..never)
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy. (never been to one)
• I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it. (nope, but surely knows someone who does)
• I have dated a close friends's ex.
• I am happy at this moment!! ( could be happier rite..)
• I'm obsessed with guys (on TV).
• I study for tests most of the time. (LOMA LOMA)
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met. ( I dont wear one,zaman sekolah pon zapp zapp je)
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now
• I have more than just my ears pierced. (Emmm..I wish to pierce other parts of mybody too)
• I walk barefoot wherever i can.
• I have jumped off a bridge.
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
• I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
• I hate office jobs.
• I love sci-fi movies. (X men, transformers sume tu kan..woverine pon tak tgk lg :(
• I think water rules.
• I went college out of state.
• I like sausage.
• I love kisses.
• I fall for the worst people.
• I adore bright colours.
• I can't live without black eyeliner.
• I don't know why the hell i just did this stupid thing.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can't whistle.
• I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither. ( I surely can.. :) )
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I've ever written in.
• I can't stick to a diet.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
• Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
• I have jazz in my blood.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo. ( wish to have them at several parts of my body..)
• I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie. (yeahhhhh..teh tarik is a must)
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I'm an artist.
• I only clean my room when necessary.
• I like a person of the same sex.
• I love being happy.
• I am an adrenaline junkie.

(2)" If I can ....(fill in the blank with something impossible)....I will NOT .....(fill in the blank)....because ....(fill in the blank)....."

If I can (turn back the time), I will NOT (choose to loose Alfie) because (no one should take him away from me,he's mine...I should have protected him..)

(3)This is called 50 FIRST REACTIONS … type what comes to your mind FIRST whenever you hear these 50 words. Don’t think and don’t go back and change. Doesn’t matter how random just type it!
1. Beer: clubs
2. Food: sedap
3. Relationships: complicated
4. Crush: Abg harish
5. Power Rangers: stupid
6. Life: tough
7. The President: obama
8. Yummy: the biscuit
9. Car: Bmw 5 series
10. Movie: Woverine..
11. Halloween: costumes
12. Sex: great
13. Religion: Islam
14. Hate: liars
15. Fear: height
16. Marriage: beautiful
17. Blondes: dumb
18. Slippers: beach
19. Shoes: stuart weitzman
20. Asians: Japan
21. Pass time: lepak
22. One night stand : never
23. My cell Phone: Nokia
24. Smoke: seldom
25. Fantasy: guys
26. College: taz
27. High school Life: fun
28. Pajamas: panas
29. Stars: virgo
30. Center: point
31. Alcohol: idiots
32. The word love: calming
33. Friends: great!!!
34. Money: want more..
35. Heartache: not me
36. Time: fast
37. Divorce: dont want
38. Dogs: cutee
39. Undies: haaa?
40. Parents: miss them!
41. Babies: alfie,alfie,alfie
42. Ex: pain
43. Song: nice
44. Color: bright
45. Weddings: stressful
46. Pizza: dominos
47. Hangout: dome
48. Rest: massage
49. Goal: to be happy
50. Inspiration: $$$

(5)1. If you can be an animal, what will u be? Why?who are you? Horse, can run fast
2. If you robbed a bank, what do you want to do with the money? Spend it to buy handbangs,shoes,get myself a huge beautiful mansion in UK,buy an island,travelling..
3. If you can teleport yourself anywhere in the world, where do you want to be? why?at the moment..US, want to meet n hug someone..
4. If you know that you are dying, what is the last meal that you want? why? sedihnye..mak nye sotong masak asam, sambal tumis petai..
5. If you can only kill one person in this world, who is the person? why? no one..
6. If you can choose either to have more than 24 hours a day or can live more than 100 years, what is your choice? why? both also I will not choose..it's too long already..
7. If you can date celebrities, who is that person? why? brat pitt..wanna see whether he is truly a heartrobe or not..
8. If you can only have 1 thing in this world, what should that be? Why? ALFIE.

happy birthday to my dearest fren!

2009-05-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

You are my strength..whenever I feel weak, you'll come and save me..whenever I drown, you pick me up with your comforting words..even geographically you are too far to be reached..but your heart always touches mine..It keeps me warm whenever I shiver, you help me find the pieces of my heart and join them back together.. You make me believe that there is always a better life for me in the future..You treat me similarly even after you know about my unforgiven sins.

You are an angel..a gift from god to me..and for that..I am so grateful to know you, to have you as my truly dearest friend. It's magical the things that you have done for me.. How you wiped away my tears, how we shared the tears together, how you hugged me tightly when I felt like everything was crushing over me..how you held me neatly when I was so fragile like a thin layered glass.. how you taught me to walk gracefully in my memory lane.. how you shared the weight of my loss, to lift up the burden together with me... I will not forget..I will never forget..

To my dearest sis..Happy 30th birthday...my hugsss n kissses for you..

26th May

Happy Birthday Boy!!

2009-05-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

Happy 29th birthday to you my sweetie..

Im sorry that I failed to call you tonite..I did, I swear that I tried to call you..12.06am.. I waited till 12..then lagging time of 5 (like you always say..the 1st 5 minutes is always for the dearest at heart) so it is understood that our 'turn' is always later after 5 mins..and we never missed doing dat for 10 years already..

But I guess, I mistakenly deleted your number..coz I remembered I deleted one of the two numbers that you have given me..I thought I deleted the old one..but I guess, I deleted the new ones..and I feel bad coz I only notice this during ur birthday nite...We never missed this ritual rite..never once, we failed to wish each other.. Im teribbly sorry dat I couldnt get reach of you..Sorry to keep you waiting..

But where ever you are.. I wish you a very happy birthday.. (and me sing u happy birthday song..with my sumbang voice of coz :) ) I wish you well in wateva you do now or in d future.. I wish you a great happiness coz u deserve it..

Again boy..I am very sorry I failed you this time.. I hope will get your number soon..ive asked around, but I guess they are all asleep already.. :(

You take care..

The show must go on..

2009-05-21T23:45:00.000+08:00

Hurt him..to save him..

The greatest thing in the world is to love and be loved..some are still looking for real love..some have found theirs..some stayed in love..some left..some think they are in love..some think they are loved..some love are genuine..some love are lust..
Which group do you think u are in?

Seasons change..winter to spring..but true love stays..

True love..what's the definition of it? how much true is true..how much true is enough?True to ourselves or true to our partners? True as in honest or true as in innocent? True at heart..true feelings..true heartache..true pain..true joy..true happiness..that's my definition of true love..

Hope to find true love that will last forever..

Life is a roller coaster..

2009-05-21T00:30:00.000+08:00

One day we climbed up..next day, we reached the top..another day, we strolled down, one day,we hit down..next,we try to get up..then, we start to climb..again,we'll reach d top..and the flow remains the same..the wheel will keep on running..

Yesterday, had a conversation with LOML about my dream to be filthy rich.. :) yes, ameen with God's willing..i'll be up there too..but no..will not write abt my dream today..not just yet..mb in some other entries..

Just wanna share a bit of what I've learnt today..

Told LOML that, when Im rich, I will be as humble and down to earth as I can be..but, I choose to have an exception of that, for 2 person.. LOML straightly asked,who are the two?

My top ranking definitely goes to Datin Riak, who obviously had forgotten that she is only His servant, like the rest of us..and He's on top of the rest.. What He chose to give us, is still His..He could take it back whenever He wishes..No use for us to be riak for wat we have, since it is not ours, it is temporarily borrowed to us.. and today, those familiar lines which we hear all the times..has become clearer... Datin Riak beloved husband, Dato H, who has become her shield from her despicable riakness..is now no longer a BH chairman.. Her dato..is now only a dato..not a VVIP that could protect her outrageous, shameless characters anymore..It is like a story of..harimau yang sudah hilang taringnya...Kesian harimau..hihi..

What dat datin has done to me..will forever be remembered by every active cells in my brain..

Datin,
You are much older than me..u should know dat life is like a wheel..and it will not always stop at the peak.. I hope you can atleast muhasabah diri and learn to respect people.. and accept that you are just an ordinary people..nothing special abt u..stop acting like u r a super lady dat owns everything in d world..coz u r not! come on..wake up and be real..and drop the riakness.. it takes u no where..

(all this is a reminder for me too.. made me realized dat He could take watever He borrowed to us, at anytime He wishes.. Triggered me to the point that has long being forgotten..gratitude. Syukur for all His gifts to me..alhamdulillah)

The second person on my list..will be kept unknown till I have a story to share, that should atleast gives us some values, pengajaran and pedoman...I hope that we will not be like both of them ever..lets learn from their mistakes and try our very best not to possess any of their bad,negative attributes...

We should never look down on people..be it the poor, the sick, the old, the ugly, the single.. (hehe) who wants to be dat? Title, money and power may put u at the top, and give u all the kesenangan dat u could have, and could buy everything dat u want, but one thing dat could never be packaged tgther in dat is Respect..one should earn his/her respect.. it's priceless..

im back!!!

2009-05-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

hey my little fella..

im back home..tired..sleepy and thirsty...

need to sleep..and need a drink..

had a wonderful weekend with my family..

mom, dad, abg, aa, eya, baby, home, cameron highland, tea,scones, fresh veges, strawberies, AF final, gerbang malam, half boiled egg with toast, nasi goreng, ikan masin, pucuk labu goreng, teh tarik, greentown mall...

LOML called me few times today..but didnt pick up..well..unintentionally..i didnt hear his call everytime..heheh..wat a coincidence..

tired..sleepy..gudnite all..

Mr Cayanne

2009-05-13T21:52:00.000+08:00

He is still out there..bugging me with questions dat i could hardly answer.. it has been a year plus since we broke up..and he earned my highest credit for being a total jerk and an asshole..

I hate him for all his act..hate him for all his lies..hate him..hate him.

Hate him for breaking my parent's heart..hate him for giving them false hope..

He made me become a loser in front of my frens..in front of my family..hate him for that..

He made me to believe that I had found someone who really wants to marry me..

He made me to believe that I soon will start a family..

And I hate him for all that....

And now, he is back with all dat stories of how sorry and how he regretted what he has done to me and my family..how regretted he felt by letting me go..and how dumb of him to make all the mistakes..

I told him.. I cant make myself believe all that he told me..I couldnt make myself trust him or his words anymore..

I wish..he could just leave me alone.. stop pretending..stop acting..stop lying..

Mr Cayenne..u can have all super models, celebrities or any young rich girls..so why me??why me? why do still saying all that to me?why did u say that u prayed hard in mecca to be with me? why do u even pray that i am ur jodoh? why me??? i have nothing to offer you..im not rich..im not pretty..im not young..im not one of ur league...so why me???

I cant think of a reason why u want me...so, simple.. my brain couldnt accept this..so no, i dont believe u, and i dont want to believe you..

Mr LOML said he feels empty..

2009-05-13T20:24:00.000+08:00

He called me,but today his voice didnt sound normal. Like something is missing..no more cheerful vibes in his voice..he said, he feels empty..he's not happy..he said that he feels like he is dying..

Then he smsed me, he said, he was about to cry after listening to my voice..luckily my mom called, so i had to cut off his line..in d sms, he said that he is feeling so sad, like he is not looking forward for life anymore..

I told him..nothing bad is gonna happen to him..i hope that it will make him feels a bit better.

Nothing much i can help darling..I know exactly how u feel..dat's d feeling of losing something..or someone..like i said, nothing much i can do about it..

Sometimes, it is all about what we wished for..it is about the choice that we made..

Mr Nice Guy= Mr LOML

empty feelings..

2009-05-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

just had enough of emotional roller coster..had enough of teary days..had enough of mood swings..today,decided to be a selfish, dynamic, elegant lady...

and DID IT! managed to be one for one whole day..yeaaaaaaaaaaayyyy! :)

emm..how abt tmrw,who/how should i be tomorrow??? how abt..a better me?..a more selfish,more dynamic and more elegant lady... yess..dats wat i should be tomorrow..

so..pada sesapa yg dah hurt me byk tu..tmrw i'll be more cruel than today..well,dat suits u well..

nite niteee...

my 1st day with my new shopping beg!

2009-05-11T22:24:00.000+08:00

hehehe...love my new handbag..big,scuba diving material,black..(doesnt sound really nice heh..) emmmm...dont jugde d bag by its owner writing...hahah..

it is an elegant, simple shoulder handbag, carries my favorite designer name..TOD'S.. love it!

my prezzie!!!

2009-05-10T22:51:00.000+08:00

well..no one wished me happy mother's day...no one gave me any present..and no one arranged a special dinner to celebrate d day..

nope, i will not let dat spoiled my day..and due to dat..i made myself happy today..by getting myself..a new Tods bag...hahahhaa..so happy to get the bag..and soo happy dat i could come up wit dat decision..

happy mother's day to all.. (just a simple wish, could make a lot of difference..)

goodnite all..hope tomorrow will be a better day.. :)

happy mother's day to me

2009-05-10T09:47:00.000+08:00

happy mothers day to all mothers out there..happy mother's day to me as well..such a mixed feelings im having today..i think all mothers would be happy today..but a mother like me..emm...not a happy feeling..im like an invisible mother..a mother..but not a mother..

only few people in this world knows dat im a mother..but even them, think dat wishing me a happy mother's day would make me sad..and i know, deep down they are torn whether to wish me or not..emmm..it is nice though, to get the acknowledgement dat im a mother..i think i deserve a sincere warmest wish..especially from him.. (but,sadly, i dont think he ever recognized me as the mother to his baby) screw him!!

alfie..thank you for making me a mother..2 months with you has created a very special bonding between us..u know i love you so much..and if i could turn back the time, i would keep u safe with me..i will face all those cruel people..face the world, face the shame...with u..will not let u go, dont care, dont bother abt the others..

alfie..losing u is the most painful moment in my life..have to stay alive without u is a torture to me..have to keep faith n be strong knowing u mite hate me, is killing me silently.. baby..if i could turn back the time..i would..

alfie..i promise u, dat i will soon be with u..and alfie..pls wait for me, pls dont turn ur back on me..pls give me a hug, pls give me a kiss, which ive been loong dreaming about..

baby..wish mommy a happy mother's day yaa..

pocket book???

2009-05-10T09:45:00.000+08:00

heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

just noticed dat my last entry was in 2008..hehe..such a loooong time yah..i nearly forgotten my username,luckily i found it written in my small pocket book..which i carry everywhere..hihi..

i told myself dat, from now on, i would like to treat this blog like a journal..my personal daily pocket book. this will be the place where i will pour my feeling out..be it sadness,joy,jokes,or just some daily boring routine..this gonna be my little secret place to reveal my very personal thoughts,and my very personal details of my life,which ive been keeping safely in my heart for 30 years..well, mb because of dat, my heart started to have heart-ache..my secrets are eating my soul..so..i hope this will work..freely i will just write down wat i feel, without any judgement..and without any expectation..simply the freedom or writing..and freedom of being alive...no more guidelines,no more ckp berlapik..simply an honest, blunt entry of my life...

ready ppl?? hehe..

1st) i have to be disciplined enough to spend time writing my thoughts (please please..i can do this!..yessss, i can do it!)
2nd) i have to be brave enough to be blunt (y do we have to be polite all d time?)
3rd) i have to stop being pretentious (something dat im born with..and im sooo tired of being one)
4th) ......
*long pause*

emmmm..trying to figure out wat my number 4 should be..tapi couldnt figure out lagi..so just let it be lah..as at now..i could only find 3 things dat i should overcome in order for me to keep my personal daily pocket book ni alive... :)

well..off i go..it's saturday nite..and being single,it is a must for me to be outside d house..(let it be hanging out dgn sape sape pon lah..asalkan kuar...hihi) - *another thing which i keep telling myself a million times when i got very lazy and attached to my home so much, until i forgot dat there is another world outside..and i am still in my man hunting session..!

adiossss..

My Little Princess

2008-12-19T09:59:00.000+08:00

It's 19th again..i thought the 3rd time would be easier or less painful for me..but i was wrong..it's still another challenging day for me..it was hard for me to open up my eyes today..not only because they are swollen due to my endless crying session last nite, but also because i feel so sad to embrace what just happenned 3 months ago..but i guess this is my punishment that i have to endure for the rest of my life for letting go of the most precious gift from God.

Alfie sayang, i have no regrets to feel this pain,if this pain makes me feel closer to you. I had a long conversation with Mr Nice Guy last nite..guess what he said..why should i remember and always talk about alfie if these will make me feel hurt and difficult for me to move on? I didnt answer him coz i'd lost my words to his question. how could he asked me that..

Alfie sayang, mommy knows the answer..how could i not be talking about u..coz u r my sweet little voice..how could i forget u..u r my heart and soul.. how could i ignore u..u r my breath that keep me alive..I dont want to lose you another time sayang, so i will keep all the pain if that makes me feel near to you. Give me more pain, and i would take it without any hesitation,give me more twinge,yes i would take it..coz i am all yours sayang..Alfie, forgive me for the experience and the pain that ive caused you three months ago..

I will never stop asking you to forgive me..and asking god for forgiveness..and asking god to atleast open up your ayah's heart for you..sayang..if he chooses not to be with us..it's alrite ok..u still have mommy..and all these while pon..it was only you and me..and we made it.

Sayang..i want you to be happy there..u are my angel..my little, sweet, adorable angel..and i miss you so dearly...

I LOVE YOU FOREVER

alfie..

2008-11-16T21:02:00.000+08:00

i miss u baby..i miss u soo much sayang..it's nearly two months u left me..it's ur birthday again..dat's why mommy misses you sooo much..the thoughts of you warmth my heart..i wish i didnt loose you so soon..i wish..i could hold you forever..i wish i could touch you...you are forever my love and i love you so much..and i miss you sayang..sangat..

im stronger...

2008-11-16T02:01:00.000+08:00

hey..

guess wat..ive become a stronger person!! i knew it tonite..when Mr Nice Guy mentioned about his short trip with QC to sabah..surprisingly..i can accept that..of coz at first..i felt jeolous..and i showed it to him..but after a while..my sensible mind told me not too..and i simply said to him.."I'm done.." Mr Nice guy was shocked and asked me..what do i mean when i say dat..i said..im done with me torturing myself..i told him..tonite, he would say all the nicest things and how he understand how i feel..but tomorrow, he's gonna have fun with qc and leave me alone to handle this..so i said to him..nope..im done..im not going to be sad, while he's having fun..

and i meant every single word i said..enough of being stupid..i told him..i refused to think abt this..and i told him..that now..he has his own life..and i have my own..once in a while,if our path crosses,then it crosses laa..we spend time..have gud laughs,share our stories..then dat's it..then, we move on again..i found it,it's easier dat way..no string attach..no emotions attach..

im glad dat tonite..i can smile while writing this.. :) i know that ive crossed another step of becoming stronger..

i feel a sense of achievement..me protecting my heart..me protecting myself.. :) yahhhhhhhhhoooo...i cant believe it!! im actually defending myself not to be played anymore..isnt it great?? ehehheh..

i feel great abt myself..i do..thank you god for helping me thru..and for loving me..

L.O.V.E

2008-10-27T18:17:00.000+08:00

I thought I knew the meaning of love..I thought I have found my true love..I thought I understand love and I thought I have given my best love..

Have I been in love? The question should be have I been out of love? :) I have been in love for a million time but never I have less to give for every love I found..Im happy just thinking about how beautiful love could be and how special it can make me feel..to describe love, I need not a page..I need endless pages where I could write how each and every moment of time in love make me feel alive..

I should thank for those loving guys that I had, that shared with me the finest love one could have. Started with a tall, dark and handsome guy, which was my 1st crush back there in school..he taught me how to appreciate myself and to be independent..

Then a fair, sexy sporty rugby player came around..gosh..he taught me how to be playful but yet loyal to each other, he taught me about sincerity and forgiveness..

Later came a tall, innocent engieneer, shared with me about the values of a relationship, honesty and understanding..

After that, came a guy who taught me to be truthful about myself, and make me realized my self worth..

Again, love found me..and this time with a charismatic, mature guy that caught my eyes at the first time with his pure genuine smile..he taught me the power of love, the meaning of sharing and introduced me to H.O.P.E

Love has made who I am today, it is the reason I feel excited every morning knowing that today would be the day love will find me again. I have loads and loads of love to give..and I am not scared of giving..and I know those guys were not the last guys that I would love..

I've made a promise to myself, I am still not giving up on L.O.V.E. I will love, be loved and share my love with the one very soon.. Love is just so beautiful that I will never let go, even that takes me to go through a great extend of pain.. I have gone through that and done with it..Now is my time to just be brave to face whatever in front of me and never be scared to be hurt again.. (what is the worst thing could happen after what I have gone through??? ) Nothing!

So..welcome love...and thank you love..

A splash of moment

2008-10-27T13:24:00.000+08:00

It has been a month since he left..

At this exact date last month..he sent me few pages of sms to notify me that our 5 years 8 months relationship/1 year 11 months of love sharing ends. With just paragraphs of words..he shut me off from his life..

With no hesitation and regrets, he pushed me away from his world..

My heart sank with tears, the wound will heal one day..but the scar will remain forever..